I'm starting to feel the judgement of others of how i'm handling this caregiving chore. They think I should walk away or wonder how I do it, but what are my choices. I don't see anyone stepping in to help or even staying engaged. They have no idea of what emotional toll it is taking.
Unfortunately the holidays can be a depressing time regardless if you are a caregiver or not. Take sometime for yourself and your family and don't be to hard on yourself when you get sad.
Our editors have written the following articles that I hope I will help you survive this holiday season and find something special from them.
Holiday Depression: Strategies for Overcoming Holiday Blues
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/dealing-with-holiday-depression-108018.htm
Reducing Loneliness in Elders around the Holidays
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elderly-loneliness-during-holidays-148441.htm
How to Keep Your Sanity During the Holidays
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/keeping-your-sanity-the-holiday-season-137029.htm
and lastly...
5 Ways to Make the Holidays Merry
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-and-the-holidays-137025.htm
Happy Holidays,
Karie H.
AgingCare.com Team
FOLKS WHO SIT IN JUDGEMENT OF YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE. PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL. THEY REALLY DO NOT KNOW. THIS SITE HAS BEEN A LIFESAVER FOR ME.
I WAS ESTRANGED FROM MY DAAD FOR 36 YEARS, HE JUST CAME BACK INTO MY LIFE. HE WAS IN REHAB LAST CHRISTMAS. THE DAY AFTER HE CHOKED ON HIS SUPPER AND ARRESSTED. THIS TIME OF YEAR HAS ALWAYS BEEN DIFFICULT FOR ME. WHAT I HAVE TRIED TO DO IS MAKE NEW MEMORIES. AND, DONT FEEL GUILTY DOING SO. CELEBRATE AND MEMBERS THAT ARE GONE. AND CELEBRATE THE ONES STILL HERE AS YOU DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THEY WILL BE. NO MATTER5 HOW TOUGH THINGS ARE THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE WITH IT A LITTLE WORSE. COUNT YOUR BLEESINGS THAT YOU HAVE WHAT YOU HAVE AND CAN DO WHAT YOU CAN DO. SENDING YOU HUGS AND PRAYERS....
DPRAYS
I do appreciate that he called and I know he is a good friend to my dad and wants to be helpful, but on some level I felt like I was being judged. My parents have never been good about keeping things clean, it just doesn't seem to bother them. They are living in a retirement community and have someone who comes in weekly to clean, so mostly their place looks pretty good. However, around Thanksgiving time my husband noticed their refrigerator was a mess, so I did talk to my dad (offered to help) and he ended up cleaning it out. For whatever reason, I didn't see that their chairs needed cleaning.
As for my mom, it's a struggle getting her to change her clothes. It's not that I haven't mentioned it. I've said something about it in front of my dad more than once, but he apparently doesn't notice or doesn't want to argue with my mom.
She's been wearing a ratty old sweater every single day since it's gotten cold. I said something to my dad and he did try to find something, but I guess it was too difficult. So, I managed to find a sweater online for her birthday, which she loves. Of course, she'll wear it every day until summer! (I got her another color for Christmas.)
It doesn't sound like much, but it's exhausting dealing with their stuff and my own. Dad got a new cell phone and I ended up spending a couple of hours this afternoon helping him with that. Dammit, it was even confusing for me!
Anyway, I guess my point is that I'm feeling stressed because I see them getting worse. And having someone else say something made me feel so defensive because I do care about them and I want to help them, but to some extent, I end up backing off because they are managing and THEY get defensive, especially my mom.
So, tonight I'm kind of depressed and I apologize if I used your post to vent about myself.
HUGS TO YOU. DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF. BE HAPPY YOU HAVE THEM BOTH.
BLESSINGS,
DPRAYS
Many years ago I celebrated the Holidays with Buds, booze, spending 2-3 paychecks on Xmas cards, dinners, and presents instead of big lumps of coal, and the occasional bar brawl.
The Xmas spirit was actually a Xmas coma. Every year I went through the foolish motions of accommodating the self-serving wishes of people who didn't really care about me. In a nutshell, I got tired of being the Latin Santa everyone else expected me to be. Instead of giving and giving, I decided to treat myself to self-respect.
Odd as it might seem, watching my 2 boys raid the Xmas tree in search for presents somehow justified my relapse into Holiday madness year after year.
My 4x / year get together with my sons and their kids is enough for me to be Jolly, and I can't ask for anything more. Am I depressed? Perhaps. I got so conditioned to being a sucker for punishment there are times I miss it.
I don't feel depressed,but I am so tired and exhausted,that I chose to be different this year. I can't get anyone to help me out or at least drop in once in a while and give me a break,so why should I go out of my way (with no strength) to please others. It is not that I'm getting back at them, but I prefer to be at ease,relax and watch TV this year. That doesnt mean I don't love the season and wont wish anyone a Merry Christmas,I just want to relax.
Christmas has always been a time to run around,do the house,shopping etc.etc. and that is not something I am motivated to do with all the hours I must put in with mom.
Therefore, I wish you all a Merry Christmas,a wonderful and healthy New Year and don't feel guilty if you aren't celebrating with others.
All you are doing is being different this year and if you are mourning as I am,(lost 5 relatives in 3 months) the best you can do is have lots of good food and snacks , relax and enjoy the ride. Maybe there will be one good friend who can drop by,but we are family here also and can log in.
It's not a crime to stay home and enjoy your holiday.
This season is a time to reflect what the true meaning is and it is all about the babe in the manjor.
God bless you all..
Cathy
Thank you for your perspective. Please do not apologize; I am happy to hear from you. My mother has been there for the entire family & the word "NO" never existed in her vocabulary. She was my sister-in-law's personal babysitter for 7 years without pay, & now this same sister-in-law has turned her back on her in her time of need. You want to know the kicker in all this? Back in Jan. 2001 my 3 brothers & their wives threw a "surprise" birthday party for my mom's 75th birthday; I knew something was up when I took one look at this sister-in-law; she had a look of doom throughout the entire party. The following Monday, she came to pick up my mom for her babysitting duties. My mom expressed gratitude for the beautiful party. My sister-in-law became very angry & said: there were too many people; it cost too much money; I did not know those people were invited. The family had a meeting before & everything was agreed on. My mother turned to her & asked; how much did you pay? She replied $1200; my mother assured her that she would pay her back every cent she paid!!! She accepted cash money from mom to pay for a party she never asked for. Both my brother & sister-in-law deny that this happened & they are taking advantage that my mom has dementia.
This is what I have to deal with. I have another sister-in-law in California who has her pants in a knot because my brother & she need to help pay the caregiver; they have more money than they can handle yet all I get is $950 per month; the caregiver expenses are $2600 or more a month. My mother & I never have asked anyone for help financially or otherwise. This all started when my mom had a mini-stroke in June, 2010 & was placed for a month in physical rehab; the West Coast couple did not visit my mom in rehab for that month; they flew in a few days before her release & his wife started complaining to my brother & made it a point to tell him that the other brother should pay his share. Of all places to act ignorant & it was being done in front of my mom! I was ready to take a swing at all of them for being so insenstive getting my mom so upset. If I don't stop I will end up typing all day!! I could write a book! Thank you for listening & stay tuned to more of the saga. Have a great day!!
I so feel your pain -- I have three brothers and they do not have a clue. I'm spending (I don't even want to say -- but I'm sure you all know how much help costs), per week and it just breaks my heart every day. sometimes it hits me and i get so mad so I don't even talk to them. They call mom to talk to her, and she has her good moments so she sounds good to them. They have absolutely no clue -- bitter, yes? so I do feel your pain. and about that party -- i can see my sister-in-law doing that.
Thank you for listening to me. You are so kind. I am sorry you are going through the same pain as I am. Christmas is approaching soon & believe me I am not in the mood to spend it with my family. At this point I am so burned out, that a nice quiet day with my mom is what the doctor ordered. Happy Holidays to you!!