My siblings won't let me call or visit mom. Why me????

I am so sorry. Unfortunately, I may be in the same position in a few months. Sibs just can't understand why my husband thinks my health is so important that someone else take care of Mother 24/7 now - after 2 years of me doing 24/7 in our home. I wish I had an answer for both of us! There are several threads on this site about dysfunction families and siblings.

I have come to the conclusion they are jealous and guilty that they did not step up to help in anyway during the past 2 years. Striking out at me and my family seems to make them feel superior. Mother will in no way be in the kind of home we have, receive the constant care or excellent food. We have done all we can at this point and will just see how they react once the move happens.

Good luck and God bless!

"Why me?" you ask? Because they thought they were off the hook regarding your Mom's care and, apparently, ungrateful for the 6 years of your life spent caring for your Mother. It's called being selfish. They didn't want their lives disturbed and don't think your life is as valuable as theirs'.
Have you asked them their reasons for denying you access to your Mom? Have you asked them how they see this as being fair to you, who gave up so much for so long for your Mother? Why is your health of such little consequence to them?
That's where I would start. These questions should make them feel very small and petty and unfair to you. If not, chalk it up to them feeling like they are more worthy of unencumbered lives than you.
I hope this problem clears up for you. It's heartbreaking to feel unloved by your closest family members.

Just from my experiences last year dealing with my dad's two sisters over my grandmother-you may have to be content with the time you had with her, the care you gave her, the fact that she knows how much you love her and that when she is gone from this life she will know the truth. My dad's two sisters who for the last ten years could only be bothered to make phone calls to nana took her home while we were gone on vacation, had her sign a new poa after she was diagnosed with cancer and refused to let us she her, call her, etc.. We did talk to an atty and were advised that yes we could fight it, yes we would win but in the mean time nana would be in a nursing home until the courts decided. We ultimately decided that her not being in a nursing home was more important. We were finally allowed to see her a werk before she died. Keep in mind my 14 yr old son and I saw her every day before they took her away, I took her grocery shopping, out to lunch, to church and to all of her dr appts, we were who she called if she needed something so I know in my heart that those two witches did all this out of jealousy. Our atty said that the most telling way that she knew nana had been coerced into changing poa from my dad to one of the aunts was that she did not change her exe of her will which was still my dad. Nana passed away the week after we saw her, on my son's birthday-when we saw her we had told her that he was going to Colorado on a church youth mission trip and would be gone on his birthday-I fully believe that she waited until she knew he was there because faith was so important to her and she was so excited and proud for him to go on that trip. The funeral was a fiasco, the two girls only told the preacher about themselves and their families and told him not to speak of the rest of us but nana had asked my husband months before that when she passed to speak of our side of the family and how much she loved us. They refused to sit at the front of the church with us, they sat in the last row. They had also prior to her death banned her church family from calling or visiting. I did call adult services not because I thought they were beating her but so they knew that there were legal ways for us to keep tabs on them without putting her in a nursing home. Having said all this I know that she knew-she knew how much we loved her and missed her. You have to do what you can live with doing. Jealousy is an evilness that makes already nasty people even worse. You have cared for and loved your mother, she knows this she knows you would be there if you could. If you want to find your brother trying looking him up at whitepages.com or just try googling him, you may be able to find an address. Best of luck to you along with many, many prayers and lots of love.

Call an elder attorney and ask for a free consulatation. At least he can tell you if its worth hiring him. You might have a lot of rights you dont realize in seeing your Mom. You were POA? Write down your questions and sit down with someone. My first visit was like 45 minutes free. He then wrote a threatening letter to my siblings and that did cost but it came out of my Moms ss as it was about her. Good luck!! Keep in touch.

My bro wrote me a letter saying he was sorry that we both let things get out of hand. He said my mom has been in a memory care facility. He didn't say but from what I've gathered 3-4 months. He said he would take me to see her and that she'd love to see me.


I saw my mom today, Feb. 2, 2013!!!!!!!! Met my bro and followed him to the facility. She didn't recognize me. Didn't know my name at first either. It took her about 5-10 minutes to realize it was really me. She looks so tired but she was so happy it was me that was there. I think I figured why they let me see her. She needs to see a podiatrist and the insurance may not cover it.And to help with other things she may need. My bro made the statement that if they didn't WE may have to come up with it. Another thought is that although she is in a facility, my sis and bro realize how tough it is to care for someone. That's my take I think it's because I usually got what my mom needs. Just like today we were in my mom's room. Her mattress was hard and I know uncomfortable. My mom has bad arthritis in her back and legs. My bro got a hospital bed from the insurance but it was so hard. Her old bed was a Tempurpedic bed that I bought her years ago. Well,I went to WalMart and I bought her a memory foam topper for her bed. I explained what I bought for her bed. She was so excited. I called my bro to tell him what I was doing in getting the topper and he said that my mom never said anything to him about the mattress. THEY don't know her.

Also, I know she had been asking about me. She kept saying she asked them and that she kept praying to God I would come see her. Except she thinks it's been 2 YEARS since we've seen one another. She was scolding me about not seeing her for so long and that I shouldn't have been fighting with my bro and sis. She also told me she thought I was dead. It broke my heart. I didn't say anything because I know what she was told that and she doesn't need to be confused more or told anything different. Let her just think what she was told. She doesn't need to know what truly took place. She's just happy I can see her and I had to promise God that I would be there every week to visit. I told her on Tues., Feb 5th, I will be there with my little dog Tiny. (He was her dog before mine) The facility said as long as I have vaccination papers he can come visit her, too. She was so VERY happy. I told her on Saturday next week and every week after, I will be there to see her at least twice a week if not more. It's 60 miles round trip for me. But oh so VERY worth it. I have since seen her two more times and she knew exactly who I was. I shall cherish EVERY moment I have left with her!!!!!

My sis only goes for 2-3 hours twice a week and my bro 2-3 times a week for short periods of time.

I could care less about them. I'm just thrilled beyond belief that I saw my mom. In the 5 months that I have not seen her, she has had a lot of mental decline. But she remembered that we always held hands and that I took her places! She was talking about it and asked if I could take her out sometime. On Thurs. Feb 7th, my sis and I are taking my mom out to lunch, per my mom's request.

I just want to thank you for ALL your prayers and encouragement.

ALL MY LOVE,

Sue

Great News Sue, I am so happy for you and for your Mom. I had tears when I read about the mattress issue. I had the company come and take my moms brand new crappy hospital mattress and bought her a 10" memory foam mattress at sams club, she also has arthritis. I think of all the poor people on those crappy mattresses and I was just told Medicare has new foam ones now to replace the spring ones. You might ask about that too. Enjoy your Mom, maybe you can get a lawrence welk dvd and watch with her some time, they love the old music!
Take Care
RR

Rev, thank you so much for the info. She finally got into a podiatrist for really bad calluses, bunions and hammertoes. Couldn't walk because of the calluses. The doc told us of a website for double depth shoes for the hammer toes and said it would be better than the shoes I bought her years ago. The new ones cost $175 so a mattress is going to have to wait for the time being. For this whole past week she wasn't walking due to her sore feet. Once the doc scraped them, she was literally dancing down the hall!! Blessings

Yogi, you weren’t kidding when you said your family is dysfunctional. No wonder no one wanted to help you! I would not choke up anything too!!! Gee whiz! They are very spiteful. Like father, like son. And your mom’s sister – shame on her! I love my sister very much. I also know that when you become too comfortable with the opposite sex, something “stupid” can happen. So, sis is very happy with her husband. I do my best not to be alone with him at all. It’s not that I have feelings for him. But, I want to AVOID anything from happening that would hurt my sister. Well, enough about me. I tend to jump around subjects.

I guess see the lawyer who is experienced with Elder Law. Very important. Because they can tell you the TRUTH of your chances and not drag you through court, bumbling around and charging you big bucks for their bumbling. I’ve read on this site the importance of this. A divorce lawyer’s specialty is divorce – they know the ins and outs and how the judge would rule – from their experiences. The same applies for elderly. Please find a lawyer who is very familiar with the elderly.

my sis convinced my dad to set up a lifetime trust for me, when i'm supposed to get my share outright too...i was able to set up a free consultation of about 45 minutes with a lawyer who does estate and trust work, and also estate litigation. first i called just a lawyer who drafts wills, and they said they couldn't help me...you can do it if i can! most lawyers do offer free consults...where do you live?

Hi Yogibear how are things going? I know we'd all love to hear how things have been for you. Your situation made me so sad. What a horrific nightmare. Did you ever get to see your mom? Your bro and sis are real pieces of work. It's pitiful how sibs can become so mean. Heck, my mom died over 2 yrs ago and my sis has yet to tell me. They'll all have to account for this idiocy one day...