My siblings won't let me call or visit mom. Why me????

I am so sorry. Unfortunately, I may be in the same position in a few months. Sibs just can't understand why my husband thinks my health is so important that someone else take care of Mother 24/7 now - after 2 years of me doing 24/7 in our home. I wish I had an answer for both of us! There are several threads on this site about dysfunction families and siblings.

I have come to the conclusion they are jealous and guilty that they did not step up to help in anyway during the past 2 years. Striking out at me and my family seems to make them feel superior. Mother will in no way be in the kind of home we have, receive the constant care or excellent food. We have done all we can at this point and will just see how they react once the move happens.

Good luck and God bless!

"Why me?" you ask? Because they thought they were off the hook regarding your Mom's care and, apparently, ungrateful for the 6 years of your life spent caring for your Mother. It's called being selfish. They didn't want their lives disturbed and don't think your life is as valuable as theirs'.
Have you asked them their reasons for denying you access to your Mom? Have you asked them how they see this as being fair to you, who gave up so much for so long for your Mother? Why is your health of such little consequence to them?
That's where I would start. These questions should make them feel very small and petty and unfair to you. If not, chalk it up to them feeling like they are more worthy of unencumbered lives than you.
I hope this problem clears up for you. It's heartbreaking to feel unloved by your closest family members.

My bro and sis refuse to talk to me so I can't ask them the questions. I received an email from my sis saying if I wanted any of my mom's belongings I needed to pick them up by Oct. 5th and get the keys from the office. Stupidly, I went to the apt. office and asked about the keys. They told me what I should have known...only the tenant can give permission for me to go into her apt. I spoiled my mom. At least 80% of her belongings I bought for her out of my money. I never got a thing. The only thing I really wanted was a picture of me and my mom at Disneyland. You're right as far as them not wanting their lives to be disturbed. I texted them and told them they go on living their lives because they know I'll take care of mom. I can't do it anymore. No answer from either of them. You know, hurt me all you want but why hurt my mom and lie to her?

Yogibear, Where is your mother staying now?

You could get a lawyer and get back pay for the care of your mother if you have proof. I feel so bad for your Mom, what a shame. I hope they give her good care but I wonder how long they will put up with their lives disrupted and put her in a NH. They should realize by taking care of her, what you were going through. IF they placed her some where, how would you know? Very sad :(

My mom is supposedly at my brothers place. He had moved about two weeks prior ro all of this. My sis, bro or father won't give me his address. I got to talk to my mom twice in 6 weeks. She cried when I told her I love her. She also asked to see me. I told her I didn't think my bro would give me his address. She said sure he will. Then she took the phone away from her ear and told him to give me his address. He said, "OK" then hung up. Because she had cried, he called it drama, he doesn't want anymore, "drama" going on.

My mom paid her way with her SS checks when she was with me. I don't want anything for having cared for her. I just want the right to see her and visit with her. I won't know where they put her nor would I know if she passes away. My sis refuses to care for my mom and has said that she will never care for my father for that matter. My bro's girlfried is taking care of my mom. If my bro and his girlfriend decide to go out they take my mom to my father's and his girlfriends (my aunt) house and have her spend the night.
My not being allowed to talk or see my mom is a punishment my bro has bestowed on me because I am not doing what he wants me to do. He told me to watch her when my mom's boyfriend was in the hospital. After 15 days of being there with a couple of days of my bro coming over so I could eat and sleep at my home my anxiety and PTSD went straight through the roof. I went to the ER on one of the days my bro came over thinking I was having a heart attack. It was just a severe anxiety/panic attack. I had medical POA with him as secondary, I was her Rep. Payee. I called her every other day and visited once a week to every other week. He demanded I write a letter to SSA saying I no longer wanted to be her payee. I called SSA and they said there's no such thing that they ask for. If my bro wants to become the payee then he needs to apply for it just like I did. This all set him off because he had to do, from scratch, what I went through.

Did you call a lawyer yet? The first visit it free and you need to tell them all of this asap.

No, I didn't call a lawyer. Is it a family lawyer call? And if so, I'm on a fixed income, disability, and can't afford their fees. And the ones that help low income say I make too much.

Call an elder attorney and ask for a free consulatation. At least he can tell you if its worth hiring him. You might have a lot of rights you dont realize in seeing your Mom. You were POA? Write down your questions and sit down with someone. My first visit was like 45 minutes free. He then wrote a threatening letter to my siblings and that did cost but it came out of my Moms ss as it was about her. Good luck!! Keep in touch.

I am not her POA. I was, don't know if I still am her healthcare POA. I have a problem, my bro moved and will not give me his address. Neither will my father or sister. My bro is now her Rep. Payee. I'm so overwhelmed that my siblings have treated me this way I can only imagine what my mom feels like and what they are telling her that I don't want to visit, call? So, many things keep running through my head and it exacerbates my anxiety.

Yogi, I'm not familiar about Rep.Payee. Is it that you have authority to cash her check? Who has POA over your mom? Whoever has POA, will have the right to see her. If your brother has it, then he can prevent you from seeing her. You have medical POA. Is it still valid? Or have your siblings/father cancelled it and replace it under brother's name?

Now, why will you be visiting the lawyer? To regain caregiving for your mother? Or to visit her? If you're going to go back to caregiving, are you able to handle the stress of it? Your brother will bring up that you gave it up because you can no longer do so.

With all this going on, I sure hope you did NOT give up your medical POA. Because the hospital, clinic will need to contact you for any major medical needs. This would be a good time to visit her - if all else fails (lawyer, etc..) But if you gave that up....

Can you talk to your father? Your brother lives separately. Call your father and make peace with HIM. When your father gets to know you better, then he might - out of the goodness of his heart or conscience or because he now likes you - will call you that your mom is visiting him for the night.

All I'm saying is...I have always been neutral in my family. I have 7 siblings and there is always rivalries, competitions, jealousies, etc....By being neutral, and not taking sides (despite that sis or bro did something really bad), everyone likes me because I'm neutral and Fair.

I think, this will be a good time for you to learn to be positive and display this positive attitude to your family as in your father, your aunt, your father's girlfriends (even if it chokes you inside). You need someone from the other side to come to know you and like you and will EVENTUALLY being able to assist you in your quest to see your mom. I hope you succeed in seeing your mother! HUGS to you!!

Yes, payee is where you pay their bills. No one as of 6 weeks ago had Power of Attorney over my mom. I don't know now.
I want to have the right to call and visit my mom. I did not give up the Healthcare POA. I still have the paperwork but I don't know if my bro has changed it.
My father has written me off. I talked to him about 2 weeks ago and talked to him about my bro. All I got from my father was that my mom took care of me. I have a sis and a bro that she took care of too. My family is VERY dysfunctional. My bro raped me when I was a child. It went on for 4 years. My father molested my sis for numerous years. What my bro is doing now with not letting me see my mom has brought up the feelings of powerlessness. I will not choke up anything having to do with either of them, period. My aunt, my mom's sister IS my father's girlfriend. Everything was fine while I did ALL the caring and everything for my mom. But because I stood up for myself my mom and I get punished!

Yogi, you weren’t kidding when you said your family is dysfunctional. No wonder no one wanted to help you! I would not choke up anything too!!! Gee whiz! They are very spiteful. Like father, like son. And your mom’s sister – shame on her! I love my sister very much. I also know that when you become too comfortable with the opposite sex, something “stupid” can happen. So, sis is very happy with her husband. I do my best not to be alone with him at all. It’s not that I have feelings for him. But, I want to AVOID anything from happening that would hurt my sister. Well, enough about me. I tend to jump around subjects.

I guess see the lawyer who is experienced with Elder Law. Very important. Because they can tell you the TRUTH of your chances and not drag you through court, bumbling around and charging you big bucks for their bumbling. I’ve read on this site the importance of this. A divorce lawyer’s specialty is divorce – they know the ins and outs and how the judge would rule – from their experiences. The same applies for elderly. Please find a lawyer who is very familiar with the elderly.

Just from my experiences last year dealing with my dad's two sisters over my grandmother-you may have to be content with the time you had with her, the care you gave her, the fact that she knows how much you love her and that when she is gone from this life she will know the truth. My dad's two sisters who for the last ten years could only be bothered to make phone calls to nana took her home while we were gone on vacation, had her sign a new poa after she was diagnosed with cancer and refused to let us she her, call her, etc.. We did talk to an atty and were advised that yes we could fight it, yes we would win but in the mean time nana would be in a nursing home until the courts decided. We ultimately decided that her not being in a nursing home was more important. We were finally allowed to see her a werk before she died. Keep in mind my 14 yr old son and I saw her every day before they took her away, I took her grocery shopping, out to lunch, to church and to all of her dr appts, we were who she called if she needed something so I know in my heart that those two witches did all this out of jealousy. Our atty said that the most telling way that she knew nana had been coerced into changing poa from my dad to one of the aunts was that she did not change her exe of her will which was still my dad. Nana passed away the week after we saw her, on my son's birthday-when we saw her we had told her that he was going to Colorado on a church youth mission trip and would be gone on his birthday-I fully believe that she waited until she knew he was there because faith was so important to her and she was so excited and proud for him to go on that trip. The funeral was a fiasco, the two girls only told the preacher about themselves and their families and told him not to speak of the rest of us but nana had asked my husband months before that when she passed to speak of our side of the family and how much she loved us. They refused to sit at the front of the church with us, they sat in the last row. They had also prior to her death banned her church family from calling or visiting. I did call adult services not because I thought they were beating her but so they knew that there were legal ways for us to keep tabs on them without putting her in a nursing home. Having said all this I know that she knew-she knew how much we loved her and missed her. You have to do what you can live with doing. Jealousy is an evilness that makes already nasty people even worse. You have cared for and loved your mother, she knows this she knows you would be there if you could. If you want to find your brother trying looking him up at whitepages.com or just try googling him, you may be able to find an address. Best of luck to you along with many, many prayers and lots of love.

I have searched high and lo for an address for my bro as well as my mom. My bro either has a program or a computer savvy friend that has wiped him off the internet. I find his name but no address same as my mom.

Hmmmm, maybe you could look into a private investigater? I have no idea how expensive that would be and maybe it wouldn't be expensive at all. Bless your heart, what an awful situation for you. I hope that you can get some answers and find peace with this soon because all of this stress and worry isn't good. More prayers and hugs to you

I called RAINN, Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. I was told that even after almost 40 years I can report to the police the fact that my brother raped me. I don't know if it will do any good but I think it will make me feel better seeing that it was never done for me when I was a kid. Also, it may give me some leverage to get the police to get his address and check on my mom's welfare. Everything else has failed so far, maybe this is the ticket. All I can do is try. I could not find an Elder Lawyer that would do a free consult. They all wanted to charge me by the hour. $265 an hour and I'm on SSDI. I can't afford that and for the leagal referral for low income, I make too much.

if you have mpoa do you have fpoa too? don't let them go...i would think if you have mpoa, you'd have the right to see your mom and that she is okay right? do see an elder lawyer for free consultation regarding your rights here...and find out how to keep apprised of your mom's location if that's what she wants. your siblings are selfish snakes...i feel for you as mine is too!

my sis convinced my dad to set up a lifetime trust for me, when i'm supposed to get my share outright too...i was able to set up a free consultation of about 45 minutes with a lawyer who does estate and trust work, and also estate litigation. first i called just a lawyer who drafts wills, and they said they couldn't help me...you can do it if i can! most lawyers do offer free consults...where do you live?

Hi Yogibear how are things going? I know we'd all love to hear how things have been for you. Your situation made me so sad. What a horrific nightmare. Did you ever get to see your mom? Your bro and sis are real pieces of work. It's pitiful how sibs can become so mean. Heck, my mom died over 2 yrs ago and my sis has yet to tell me. They'll all have to account for this idiocy one day...

i wouldn't report the rape route...it would be near impossible to prove with no dna evidence, and you'd have to relive that horrible ordeal! you would do yourself more harm than good...if you have mpoa you should be able to see her...can you contact protective services to check on her and then get the address from them or call the police?? best to you and god bless!

My bro wrote me a letter saying he was sorry that we both let things get out of hand. He said my mom has been in a memory care facility. He didn't say but from what I've gathered 3-4 months. He said he would take me to see her and that she'd love to see me.


I saw my mom today, Feb. 2, 2013!!!!!!!! Met my bro and followed him to the facility. She didn't recognize me. Didn't know my name at first either. It took her about 5-10 minutes to realize it was really me. She looks so tired but she was so happy it was me that was there. I think I figured why they let me see her. She needs to see a podiatrist and the insurance may not cover it.And to help with other things she may need. My bro made the statement that if they didn't WE may have to come up with it. Another thought is that although she is in a facility, my sis and bro realize how tough it is to care for someone. That's my take I think it's because I usually got what my mom needs. Just like today we were in my mom's room. Her mattress was hard and I know uncomfortable. My mom has bad arthritis in her back and legs. My bro got a hospital bed from the insurance but it was so hard. Her old bed was a Tempurpedic bed that I bought her years ago. Well,I went to WalMart and I bought her a memory foam topper for her bed. I explained what I bought for her bed. She was so excited. I called my bro to tell him what I was doing in getting the topper and he said that my mom never said anything to him about the mattress. THEY don't know her.

Also, I know she had been asking about me. She kept saying she asked them and that she kept praying to God I would come see her. Except she thinks it's been 2 YEARS since we've seen one another. She was scolding me about not seeing her for so long and that I shouldn't have been fighting with my bro and sis. She also told me she thought I was dead. It broke my heart. I didn't say anything because I know what she was told that and she doesn't need to be confused more or told anything different. Let her just think what she was told. She doesn't need to know what truly took place. She's just happy I can see her and I had to promise God that I would be there every week to visit. I told her on Tues., Feb 5th, I will be there with my little dog Tiny. (He was her dog before mine) The facility said as long as I have vaccination papers he can come visit her, too. She was so VERY happy. I told her on Saturday next week and every week after, I will be there to see her at least twice a week if not more. It's 60 miles round trip for me. But oh so VERY worth it. I have since seen her two more times and she knew exactly who I was. I shall cherish EVERY moment I have left with her!!!!!

My sis only goes for 2-3 hours twice a week and my bro 2-3 times a week for short periods of time.

I could care less about them. I'm just thrilled beyond belief that I saw my mom. In the 5 months that I have not seen her, she has had a lot of mental decline. But she remembered that we always held hands and that I took her places! She was talking about it and asked if I could take her out sometime. On Thurs. Feb 7th, my sis and I are taking my mom out to lunch, per my mom's request.

I just want to thank you for ALL your prayers and encouragement.

ALL MY LOVE,

Sue

Great News Sue, I am so happy for you and for your Mom. I had tears when I read about the mattress issue. I had the company come and take my moms brand new crappy hospital mattress and bought her a 10" memory foam mattress at sams club, she also has arthritis. I think of all the poor people on those crappy mattresses and I was just told Medicare has new foam ones now to replace the spring ones. You might ask about that too. Enjoy your Mom, maybe you can get a lawrence welk dvd and watch with her some time, they love the old music!
Take Care
RR

Rev, my mom dances when she hears music she likes. She has her own style that would embarras me if she didn't have Alz. Sometimes the moves she does her face is so angree looking. She danced when she was at home to records played on the record player. He father wouldn't let her go any further than the steps on the front of the house and she is 8 years younger than her sister. So, she had to find her own entertainment. Currently she enjoys country music.

Right now she has bad problems with her feet. We are trying to get a podiatrist to see her. She has very bad calluses on the bottoms of her feet and hammer toes. So walking needs to be limited.

I will inform my bro about the foam matresses. Are they by chance memory foam or egg crate. Egg crate is too soft for her.

Thanks for the info!!!!!!

Hi Yogi, my mom hasnt walked in a couple of years but she can make her arms and legs go to music if in the mood. The pharmacy told me they are foam mattresses, not the gel pad overlay, those stink too. Foam is usually firm but check it out thru medicare or just buy one on sams club online, they have an 8" for like $200 and a 10" for like $400 with free shipping. Good Luck!

Rev, thank you so much for the info. She finally got into a podiatrist for really bad calluses, bunions and hammertoes. Couldn't walk because of the calluses. The doc told us of a website for double depth shoes for the hammer toes and said it would be better than the shoes I bought her years ago. The new ones cost $175 so a mattress is going to have to wait for the time being. For this whole past week she wasn't walking due to her sore feet. Once the doc scraped them, she was literally dancing down the hall!! Blessings