My mother was moved from assisted living side of facility into Memory Care 8 months ago. About 5 months ago, one of the male residents, who is an unassisted walker like my Mom, started entering my mom's apartment (really just one room and bathroom) infrequently. There are no locks on doors or security cameras either. Then a month ago it started becoming more frequent. Sometimes he follows her after a meal, but occasionally he is lying in her bed when she returns. Three weeks ago, it escalated with my Mom (mid stage dementia) accusing the man of pushing her (no physical indication and she didn't fall) when she told him to get out. A report was filed with the state, by law.
Last week I talked with both the MC director and executive director about how to discourage the behavior. I emphasized that he's invading her privacy, and I'm concerned for her mental and emotional well being. They only had 2 suggestions: put up a physical barrier in front of her door, a "stop" sign of sorts or a paper STOP sign on her door. I opted for the latter, but said he needs to be monitored too.
Since this conversation, he has entered her apartment twice (I've documented each incidence). Before lunch my Mom was in her bathroom in her apartment, and he opened the door while she was still in there! (This is the 8th incidence!) I feel like somewhere in this gentleman's brain he has an inkling of what he's doing.)
My mother informed a staff member who said they would tell the director on Monday. I will also be calling them again about a better solution and I'll also call our state's ombudsman. I'm furious!
My Mom has anxiety each time this happens. Any other suggestions?
Either the staff monitors this man better, or he needs to go elsewhere. Is he going into other people's rooms? Is his room near Mom's? Perhaps one of them needs to be moved to another room (ideally him, but if he keeps thinking her room is his, it might be better to move her.)
If he's following her, then that's harassment, and the facility has a responsibility to prevent that or face repercussions. Talk to the executive director and tell them you want major changes made to protect your mom -- now.
We all know - COVID, but when it comes down to something that has caused this kind of annoyance, I’d be wondering what else could be happening. Do you know if the offender’s family has been asked to control HIS meandering?
I caught this at least once before the lockdowns, and when I reported it, our staff had FITS, and jumped into action.
My LO is a tiny feisty little bit of the devil, and it didn’t unnerve her a BIT when her space was invaded, but STILL, where’s the staff?
https://www.alzstore.com/stop-sign-banner-p/0134.htm
did work at my mother's nursing home. (they paid for this, not me)
The next level might be disguising the door with door decals/murals like this
https://www.alzstore.com/door-murals-peel-and-stick-p/0364.htm
Unfortunately this kind of thing can be more than a nuisance, I observed the gent who wandered into my mom's room leave an object on the floor that might have caused a fall. Also many times arguments between residents can lead to physical altercations, even a minor push can have major consequences for frail elders.
My feeling, your Mom is paying big bucks for MC. She is not a patient she is a resident and as such needs to know she is safe. There is no reason, since you and she have complained, that when he starts to follow Mom a staff member can't redirect him. My Moms AL had locks on the room doors. If the resident looked it from the inside, staff had a key to get in. No problem in someone walking in. I guess MCs don't feel the need for locks.
If you get nowhere, then call the Ombudsman. I look at it as Moms rights are being overlooked.
Please make them take this seriously, My dreadful father defrauded his way into respite care, bragged to me that he had sex regularly with a woman with dementia who couldn’t remember it in the morning. Ha! Ha! Her family found out and removed her, from a nice facility where she was very happy, until my dreadful father moved in. Staff talked about ‘rights for sexuality to be respected’. My dreadful father did nothing that needed to be respected, and he knew exactly what he was doing. Just know that this can get a lot worse.
if you do not have a copy, pls pls get one ASAP.
the report was it done as an internal document or was it actually filed with state MC regulatory agency and with the police &/or with APS?
if it wasn’t filed with law enforcement or APS, the MC isn’t doing anything, it’s going into their own echo chamber.
So the issue then becomes, do you want mom to stay there or move her? If it’s stay there, then he has to go and I’d file on my own a report with law enforcement and APS on your mother’s behalf. You include all communications with the MC in your complaint. The fact that he has entered her room and gets into her bed, I bet has charges that can be filed against him. Her room is her own personal private space that he’s violating. She has an expectation of privacy in her room. I’d be very concerned that his behavior is escalating and that he is going to make sexual advances on her. If your mom was touched by him would she tell you, it’s embarrassing & uncomfortable to speak about..... my goodness he’s in her bed, that’s what’s next, isn’t it? She’s a vulnerable adult. APS deals with vulnerable adults stuff.
You need to do something because you don’t want it where he tells others that your mom invited him into her room. If you think he knows what he’s doing, that will be his excuse.
Have you tried doing a Google search on this man? If your not up for this, ask one of your kids or grand kids to do deep dive on him. Believe me they can do a pretty accurate doxxing in a few keystrokes.
Im kinda surprised that this place hasn’t been more proactive for the safety and security of your mom and other residents. Like moving him into a room within direct eyesight of the nurses station. Is there something abt this guy that makes him untouchable.... like a relative of owner or staff? Politically connected?
Have you made friend with other families that might could shed light if there’s been other issues with this guy? There’s going to be a couple of spouses or kids that go super frequently and will know the all sorts of stuff on residents & staff, that they will be glad to share.
If they are not going to do anything I can only suggest you put a granny cam in her room to record these occasions and then take the results to local authority covering the licensing of the facility. This is totally unacceptable and if this man is doing this in her room how many others is he doing it in. It sounds like he needs to be restricted as to where he can go not other residents. I'm sorry your Mum is being upset by this resident's behaviour, he may well not be able to understand or help it, but it is up to the facility to manage his care properly.
Good luck with your situation. Put the responsibility on the facility, not yourself. Maybe get the state involved as well. I'm sure they don't want to pay attorney fees. We're paying high dollar, so these places need to meet our requirements!
Purchase a air horn. Small size, fits in pockets. Whenever he is in her room, instruct her to use it. She will probably only need to use it once or twice. It really gets people's attention.
Get all reports from facility, personally file with every agency that is available. Alert facility in writing of filings and expectations of safety for your mom (these are common sense expectations but you must have written paper trail) include consequences of facility not insuring her safety(which once again, is their responsibility) if anything happens, you have a paper trail to prove facility did not take you seriously. After the threat of covid is over and you can select another facility, move mom. The current facility is to pay all costs related to the move since they are responsible (and you have your paperwork to prove your case. Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the most grease. Call the facility multiple times per day to make sure they are watching moms room and mr. room wander.
I also suggest you look up the rules for the facility about harassment and sexual assault, since he is definitely harassing her and lying in her bed could be the first step to molestation.
That said, I think the staff is being negligent in deterring this man. Let them know it must be addressed and stopped immediately or you will take legal action. Your mothers safety and well being is being violated. Keep us posted!
On the flip side - and since it hasn’t been brought up yet - is the reality that dementia sometimes causes paranoia and confabulation. Many of us have had our elders share disturbing stories that felt very real to them, but were happening in their head. Throw in rumination and these situations can go on for some time.
I don’t know how compromised your mother is. I also don’t know how much of this you have been able to verify. It is incredibly difficult to verify this type of thing when people can’t get in to facilities spontaneously anymore to check on their parents.
Maybe the facility is negligent. You have much good advice on how to move forward if that is the case.
I tread lightly here, but wanted to throw out another possibility.
I know from our experience how many times my ILs were absolutely certain (and could describe in detail) people who were following them, looking in their windows, watching them go to the bathroom, etc. Each time their minds were playing tricks on them. Sometimes, these “imaginings” stemmed from something they saw on TV or an event that started small (like a caregiver walked into their room) and mushroomed into people watching them as they slept (no one was). They were in our home at the time and we were with them almost constantly and could easily verify what was reality and when the mind was being “tricksy”. Sometimes, we could discern what sparked the delusion. Sometimes, not.
Again, this may be a very real thing. Some of how you handle it depends on your past experience with the facility, etc. Sketchy stuff historically? I would be more inclined to think that the shenanigans are real. But, if the facility has been competent and responsive, I might work to get a little more information/verification from something outside of your mother’s reports. Sometimes facilities get stuck because kids don’t think their parents could possibly be making things up... (the “I know my mom would never...” mirrors the “I know my kid would never...”). But, dementia is like the light bulb with a not-quite-broken filament. The bulb can flicker off and on. Because it does, it can be challenging to discern what is really happening in their heads. With dementia, obviously it isn’t a lie. To them, it is very real. And the facility should absolutely be concerned that she is experiencing such fear and taking steps to mitigate it.
Just food for thought. You are already obviously an excellent advocate for your mom. If you have already ruled this out as a possibility, feel free to ignore:)
The locks could be opened by staff keys or a quarter, which sounds weird. But, it was a great relief to know we could check on my ILs easily and spontaneously, but it hampered the wanderers and sticky-fingered, while giving a small measure of privacy in a place where privacy is further down the list of priorities.
Regardless of what is happening, I would be concerned that there is no way built in to their facility to keep unwanted visitors out of her room. This is an easy and obvious fix.
Can she keep her room door locked?
This man has to be dealt with before something abusive occurs.
Keep reporting and complaining.
I would plan to move mom as soon as possible.
How do other facilities handle this kind of behavior?
How would one go about installing the nanny cam when you can't get inside the apartment? Have the maintenance guy do it?? Ha, ha...
I was perturbed when I spent a couple (all I could tolerate) weeks in a rehab myself. My "roommate" on the other side of a wall spoke a foreign language and a gentleman resident apparently thought she was or reminded him of his wife...so he at least once a day would wander into our "suite" and head for her side of it, which made her scream GET OUT. I was on alert and would push the call button which usually brought staff who would escort him out. They were quite casual about it and knew about him. IN fact others in the hall would try to redirect him if they saw him heading her way. I asked at one point when they said where his own room was, if they couldn't stop him as he made his way around the corner and they responded that a post blocked their view so they couldn't see him go by. BS. Your mother's safety and comfort comes first. She's lucky to have you as an advocate. Definitely find your local ombudsman and call and if they tell you any other actions you can take do so. I don't know if legally you have a right to install a lock, but that would be my first effort for mom's peace of mind. Just make sure to have duplicate keys and note who has one...mom, yourself the staff....
She will not cross the yellow banner.
If she asks me about the yellow banner, I tell her the men are coming back to finish the repairs next week. And she shrugs and walks away.
Good Luck.
That said, my mother loves to call attention to herself, then gets annoyed when a certain male resident pays attention TO her. He knocks on her locked door which sends her over the moon with agitation and anxiety. The ED and I decided we'd move a large chair from the common room nearby in front of mom's door so the annoying gentleman couldn't reach it....hes wheelchair bound. It took about 3 weeks or less for him to forget all about his interest in my mother and now, the chair is no longer necessary.
The ED either works with you or you move mother OUT. Signs saying keep out don't usually work because people with dementia don't pay attention to Signs! What may work is buying a round black rug that looks like a manhole cover and placing it at mom's front door. Many people with dementia will perceive that rug as a real hole and be afraid they'll fall into it if they proceed to walk over it. Look on Amazon....its cheaper than moving her out.
Good luck!