How do I mitigate problem with wandering male resident entering Mom's apartment in memory care facility?

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How do I mitigate problem with wandering male resident entering Mom's apartment in memory care facility?

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My mother was moved from assisted living side of facility into Memory Care 8 months ago. About 5 months ago, one of the male residents, who is an unassisted walker like my Mom, started entering my mom's apartment (really just one room and bathroom) infrequently. There are no locks on doors or security cameras either. Then a month ago it started becoming more frequent. Sometimes he follows her after a meal, but occasionally he is lying in her bed when she returns. Three weeks ago, it escalated with my Mom (mid stage dementia) accusing the man of pushing her (no physical indication and she didn't fall) when she told him to get out. A report was filed with the state, by law.

Last week I talked with both the MC director and executive director about how to discourage the behavior. I emphasized that he's invading her privacy, and I'm concerned for her mental and emotional well being. They only had 2 suggestions: put up a physical barrier in front of her door, a "stop" sign of sorts or a paper STOP sign on her door. I opted for the latter, but said he needs to be monitored too.

Since this conversation, he has entered her apartment twice (I've documented each incidence). Before lunch my Mom was in her bathroom in her apartment, and he opened the door while she was still in there! (This is the 8th incidence!) I feel like somewhere in this gentleman's brain he has an inkling of what he's doing.)

My mother informed a staff member who said they would tell the director on Monday. I will also be calling them again about a better solution and I'll also call our state's ombudsman. I'm furious!

My Mom has anxiety each time this happens. Any other suggestions?

Assisted Living Dementia Wandering Memory Care

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I posted to this, not realising it was such a long thread. I’ll repeat it. A lock works – opens without a key from the inside, from the outside with a master key that the staff carry.

Please make them take this seriously, My dreadful father defrauded his way into respite care, bragged to me that he had sex regularly with a woman with dementia who couldn’t remember it in the morning. Ha! Ha! Big Joke! Her family found out and removed her, from a nice facility where she was very happy, until my dreadful father moved in. Staff talked about ‘rights for sexuality to be respected’. My dreadful father did nothing that needed to be respected, and he knew exactly what he was doing. Just know that this can get a lot worse.

CM and ‘get thee to a nunnery’. There are some threats that are just as bad as a nunnery, eg my dreadful father. Interestingly, when he got himself into trouble just before a trip back to the UK, he booked himself into a monastery retreat, just up the road, to protect himself from the fall-out. A pity we couldn’t have done the ‘get thee’ and also a ‘stay there’.

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One of the new terrors that my mother has is a fear of the opposite sex.

If there were segregated facilities at her MC, I would have opted for those. Just to alleviate one more fear.

Not that her list of fears wouldn't just substitute another one. Right now, here's the list:
Trees
Fire (Spontaneous combustion, electrical cords, non-working alarms (which, of course, they all work...and on and on.)
People peering in the windows (no one walks on that busy street)
People peering down her shirt (not possible. She only wears turtlenecks.)
Meat being secretly put in her self-imposed fish-only diet.
Not being called to meals (Doesn't happen. Never has. She has ALWAYS had enough to eat, before and after dementia)
Meds haven't helped yet.

This is a long post to say, yes. I would vote for segregation of sexes in MC in our situation.

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My concern - I'm sorry if this seems the wrong priority - would be the gentleman's wellbeing. He believes that a strange lady is living in his apartment and scolding him for reasons he can't understand. Where the heck are the guidance and support he needs?

Try tackling the issue from that end as well.

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Thats not her problem. Her concern is with her own mother and that's where it shoukd be. And rapes do gapoen in these places which is why sleeping areas shoukd be segregated based on gender. Common areas can be mixed. But if they are not going to give residents locks for their rooms then I stand by the segregation of male and female.

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Why don't they have segregated wings for men and women? I know rapes happen at nursing homes and have to wonder how often this happens with dementia residents who can't remember the attacks.

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Get thee to a nunnery? It's often depressing enough to be confined to memory care without the additional restriction of never seeing the opposite sex within your own age group. Don't forget these rooms aren't just sleeping quarters, you're talking about people's living environment.

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I posted a question on May 15th with a similar, though not as serious a situation and received many good responses: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-achieve-a-balance-between-micro-managing-and-judiciously-advocating-on-my-mothers-behalf-467311.htm

Some of the responses I read to both our questions suggest moving our mothers to another facility, though, clearly, the AL/MC failed in their duty to keep our mothers safe. What about the "community/move-in fee"? That's a lot of money down the drain! And, then to have to pay it all over again at the next facility. Does anyone know if it is reasonable to expect reimbursement of this fee when the facility has been neglectful?

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I'm so sorry you and your Mother are having to deal with this issue.
Clearly, this man's attention is unwanted and the staff in your mother's place are charged legally with protecting her.
I think that having a serious talk to the administrator/director about her safety and personal boundaries as it relates to their obligation and your need for having confidence that your mother is safe in your absence is necessary. The sooner the better. Keep records of all conversations on this matter: whom you spoke with, what they said and when. Sometimes just showing that you're paying careful attention and holding them accountable is enough.
If that course of action doesn't show progress, make sure you document it and take a step to warn administration/ director that you feel you are going to have to take the matter a step further and go to an ombudsman or other legal counsel.
If you do seek outside counsel, you'll have documentation and that will help a lot.
My heart goes out to you and your Mother. Please keep us updated as to how it's going.🌺🌻🌼💮

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is there anyway to put down a big black circle in front of her door? I was told that some places will use that because the person thinks it a hole in the ground, only problem with that is maybe your mother won't then enter her own room. Some places have an alarm that as soon as you enter the room it goes off. When my dad was in a NH, i put up a patriot star on his door and one of the other male residents wanted to know if he could have one. I said sure, but when I went to enter his room to put the star on his dresser, an alarm went off..........I showed the nurse what I was doing and she came down and turned off the alarm. not sure if that would work or not. It can be difficult especially when the staff is already busy enough but to have someone constantly monitoring his behavior would be a full time task in itself. I hope you can get this remedied.

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Sometimes I can’t understand why there aren’t better devices for care of our elderly..this is one of those times ( others were some type of hand and wrist device after a stroke to prevent “claw” formation, something more comfortable than the sling to help with affected arm after stroke , more comfortable chairs for smaller statured women in rehab area , and finally in this case— why couldn’t they have some type of device that alarms if he gets close to her room ? He could wear a transmitter and then there would be something at her door that activates it if he comes too close...maybe there is something like this or if not likely some engineering minded folks could configure one pretty easily ..much like the invisible fencing for dogs except without any shock . That way staff could react . Also. Yes it is the staff responsibility ..perhaps some part of the interlopers mind knows but perhaps not . She might remind him of his spouse or someone else...perhaps his spouse can not visit now and he is angry? In any case eight times is about seven times too often.. Depending if you are happy there otherwise ..I’d look for another place but sometimes better to fix what is broken plus you could go from pan to fire . I would take all the advice for who to contact and do that...but also ask about them getting something along the above lines ..I feel like there MUST be something ... some of the other suggestions would perhaps affect your mom as much as him ..even a stop sign on her door ..she might forget it doesn’t mean her! Same with yellow banner , guess might be when she is in room but might deter her from coming out of door then...same with “manhole cover” since she has dementia as well. I feel bad for her if she is anxious and upset and worry about her being hurt. Please let us know the outcome .

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I think this is one where you will need the help of an eldercare attorney. I am well aware of a man in assisted living some years ago who was a most difficult case to handle. There were so many complaints and nothing was done until an eldercare attorney stepped up and threatened to sue the home. Thirty days later he was removed and put in another place. Threaten a law suit and document everything going on as much as possible. It is the responsibility of the facility to stop this and protect your mother.

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We had unwanted people in and out of my mother's room. I think staff often decide it comes with the territory and is generally harmless. They accept standards that may not be acceptable elsewhere but then again the residents might not be acceptable elsewhere - they have difficulty following rules!

I suppose the issue is how much of a risk is it and the other issue is do the staff set their standards too low?

Care homes remind me a bit of boarding schools. There is a level of "borrowing" and "visiting" that could equally be termed "stealing" and "intrusion" depending on your perspective and like boarding schools the management may or may not admit there is an issue but they do succomb to external pressure in order to stay in business, so the onus is on you to push for change.

One thing to check out is whether your mum chats to this guy or not in public areas. Are they friends or does she find him a nuisance generally? He may think they are together because their interaction reminds him of his marriage. It is sad but protecting your mum is your priority, of course.

Good luck.

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I had a similar issue with my dad. A male resident would come into his room and sit there on the sofa we provided for my dad for hours.

I asked the staff to remove him but they said he was too ornery and difficult, (and he was)

I said if they dont remove him, I will forcibly remove him myself (I am 6 foot three, 230, and a body builder). They sprung into action.

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This is messed up beyond belief. You need to get her out of there if they won't use locks or find SOME way to corral this guy.

Serious WTF from the higher ups there.

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You need to call the director and let them know that it is their job to keep the guy out of her room or in a unit more suited to his needs. 8 times for this to happen is totally unacceptable. Your mom has a right to personal safety and they are not providing the care she is paying (out the wa-zoo) to get.

The guy may very well be totally gone mentally except for, perhaps, interest in a woman. It is very, very common for dementia patients to become obsessed about spouses having affairs, believing someone is interested in them, and can go all the way to acting out sexually. They need to nip this in the bud before he takes it to a different level with your mom. Put them on notice that their responsibility it to protect your mother and a paper sign on the door just 'ain't gonna cut it'. Call the ombudsman's office if they can no give you a very clear, detailed plan on how they will prevent this from happening again. They should not have put your mom off until Monday either. It's a repeat problem and they should have called you and the director immediately.

Maybe they should put the paper sign on HIS door that says don't come out of this room. He should be limited to a large group area where someone is watching him at all times and not allowed to wander other halls. Maybe move his room next to nurse station so they know where he is all the time. At any rate, that is there problem to resolve

By they way, ask to see the records for your mom so you have proof they have recorded all 8 of the incidents. You want a copy of those reports.

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Imho, this is very unacceptable. I do not know if you should go through the effort to find a new facility. Ergo, you may have to if this frightening issue is not resolved quickly. Prayers sent.

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Move her out of there and into a Memory Care Assisted Living that HAS locks on each and every door. Period. My mother lives in one and carries her key on her wrist. If she forgets it, the CG will let her in. The door automatically locks when it closes. If the MC tells you it's against the law, they're lying.

That said, my mother loves to call attention to herself, then gets annoyed when a certain male resident pays attention TO her. He knocks on her locked door which sends her over the moon with agitation and anxiety. The ED and I decided we'd move a large chair from the common room nearby in front of mom's door so the annoying gentleman couldn't reach it....hes wheelchair bound. It took about 3 weeks or less for him to forget all about his interest in my mother and now, the chair is no longer necessary.

The ED either works with you or you move mother OUT. Signs saying keep out don't usually work because people with dementia don't pay attention to Signs! What may work is buying a round black rug that looks like a manhole cover and placing it at mom's front door. Many people with dementia will perceive that rug as a real hole and be afraid they'll fall into it if they proceed to walk over it. Look on Amazon....its cheaper than moving her out.

Good luck!

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In the facility I work in (Canada) we have bright yellow banners we place across the door of the room the dementia patient is not supposed to enter. When they see the yellow they stop. This works most of the time, but not with everyone. Our door frames are metal and the yellow banners have magnets to hold them up. Best of luck to you.

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My sister works in a memory care assisted living. She gave me the same advice about the yellow banner. I use it at home to derail my mom (Alzhiemer D) from going into the laundry room, where it is out of sight!!

She will not cross the yellow banner.

If she asks me about the yellow banner, I tell her the men are coming back to finish the repairs next week. And she shrugs and walks away.

Good Luck.

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This happened when my mother was in a very expensive, high-end private memory care facility in California a few years ago and has happened to a family friend's mother in Connecticut in the memory care unit of a chain eldercare facility - it's VERY common. It usually doesn't mean the guy is a predator or has an idea of what he's doing. That kind of thinking is probably not helpful. But it does make one try to problem solve some kind of locks on the doors that wouldn't make it hard for the resident inside to get out when they want to and that they could open. When my mom was in the MC in California, they said that most the residents couldn't remember to carry keys or be expected to have the dexterity to open a locked door. It makes sense. Also, they would have to lock it from inside unless it locks automatically. The best answer I've seen here is the Dutch door idea - very interesting! The truth is these places are not allowed to restrain any residents, obviously, so many wander, are confused, and try to enter rooms that aren't their own. Security cameras or other means of monitoring would be the best answer. So I wouldn't be too angry, but I also would not take it as only YOUR problem, it's a facility-wide problem, and they should provide better oversight and make changes to allow for better security for every resident.

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I would be furious, too. There's no excuse for this, and this facility's administrators have not appropriately responded to your mother, nor you. A stop sign? Please. He was lying in her bed? Unacceptable! Here's what I would do in this situation: First, if this facility is corporately owned, look up who are the corporate officers, including the president and CEO. Send them an account of all eight incidents, as well as a summary of the on-site administrative responses (and lack, thereof). Crucially, detail everything they've done, and not done, after you first reported this problem. Second, and I know this is a pain, and you shouldn't have to do it, but, research other facilities close to your home. Speak to the tippy-top facility manager, not their sales staff. Explain what you've been through. Leverage the fact that inpatient memory care is a highly competative business. Lastly, and I know this is a memory care facility, but try and talk to other caregivers of other women residents. Something is telling me this is not the first time this guy has been predatory. And that's what he is -- a predator. Failing all of that, I would become a squatter in their lobby -- if this happens just one more time, call the police and a local television station with investigative reporters, and wait for them all to arrive. Worst of all, because I freaking hate lawyers, but you should call your state's legal aid society and ask for a referral to pro bono attorneys who specialize in elder care.

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I advise you to look at another assisted living facility. Wright now they are not able to fill up their rooms because of the way they had handled covid 19 during the onset of the pandemic where over 16,000 seniors were infected with covid and died this happened when Cuomo sent positive patients from NYS hospital into assisted living facility's were my wife and over 16,000 died and Cuomo covered it up. He presently under investigation for his cover-up by the NYS attorney. if I new what I know now I would taken my love one home which is what most people are doing at this time. stay out of seniors assisted living until they become safer.

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Writing before reading other responses, but dammit, NO. THIS is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Let me guess that the switch to memory care resulted in the facility getting more $$$? YOU are paying for this care and it is THEIR job to protect your mother from this stress and invasion of her privacy. You should be furious. Under the circumstances I would be wanted a lock on the door so he cannot gain any access. Too bad for the staff to have to take responsibility for having a key in case of emergency.
I was perturbed when I spent a couple (all I could tolerate) weeks in a rehab myself. My "roommate" on the other side of a wall spoke a foreign language and a gentleman resident apparently thought she was or reminded him of his wife...so he at least once a day would wander into our "suite" and head for her side of it, which made her scream GET OUT. I was on alert and would push the call button which usually brought staff who would escort him out. They were quite casual about it and knew about him. IN fact others in the hall would try to redirect him if they saw him heading her way. I asked at one point when they said where his own room was, if they couldn't stop him as he made his way around the corner and they responded that a post blocked their view so they couldn't see him go by. BS. Your mother's safety and comfort comes first. She's lucky to have you as an advocate. Definitely find your local ombudsman and call and if they tell you any other actions you can take do so. I don't know if legally you have a right to install a lock, but that would be my first effort for mom's peace of mind. Just make sure to have duplicate keys and note who has one...mom, yourself the staff....

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I have concerns about wandering residents where my dad lives in MC. The apartment doors do not have locks. He has dementia NOT of the Alzheimer's type & before the Covid restrictions, I saw other residents wandering, some for almost all day. Recently dad told me that someone had come in his apartment & got in his bed. He also complains that some of his personal items have gone missing. His memory is poor, but sometimes he's clear as can be. So until I can get into the apartment, I don't know if what he's saying is true or not. I had planned to install a nanny cam, then Covid happened. I plan to email the nursing director about my concerns because my gut is telling me this intrusion is happening.
How would one go about installing the nanny cam when you can't get inside the apartment? Have the maintenance guy do it?? Ha, ha...

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I don't want to butt in, but have you medically ruled out hypothyroidism in your dad? My ears pricked up when I read "His memory is poor, but sometimes he's clear as can be." Cognitive decline from low thyroid often is misdiagnosed as dementia. If it's on again, off again, it might be something else. Please consider having his TSH, T4, and T3 tested -- if his TSH is above 2.1, and/or his T4 or T3 is low, insist that he is treated for hyperthyroidism with the treatment goal of achieving a euthyroid state. You might get push back from his prescribing HCP. Don't back down. Many docs don't think that happens to men, just women, and that is just horseshit.

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Completely unacceptable and I feel sorry for the anxiety and stress this has caused your poor mother.
Can she keep her room door locked?

This man has to be dealt with before something abusive occurs.

Keep reporting and complaining.
I would plan to move mom as soon as possible.

How do other facilities handle this kind of behavior?

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stern "lashing" works best imo, he needs to be told what and why its unacceptable- much like a parent does with a toddler and needs to be reminded often how wrong invasion is. Also maybe invaders family can get him to understand this is wrong behavior. I worked in nursing home 13 yrs and basically most staff laughs it off or thinks its cute, tc hope its resolved soon!

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You have so many great answers. Ask the facility for who carries their liability insurance in the event something happens. Again - you have been given so many options that are good. Your Mom needs a safe environment - so provide it for her. The gentleman coming into her room cannot be stopped by a paper stop sign. Look at your paperwork and I am certain you will find a phrase about providing "safe environment" or something similar. I am glad to hear you are actively looking for solution. Keep loving her and smile because on this forum you have support and "brains."

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My mother was recently in the memory care unit of her nursing home. There was one man who walked all day long up and down the hallways trying doors and if one was open would let himself in. I think it was because he couldn’t find his room, all the hallways and doors looked identical. It was a locked unit so he could not escape but he was always trying to get out the main exit too. The staff just let him wander all day. Several times when I was there he came into my mothers room and went into the bathroom and shut the door. I had to call staff to get him out. He was belligerent and argumentative and if you get too close to him physically aggressive. There were locks on the individual doors so I kept my mothers room locked as did many of the local residents. But a lot of them were unlocked and he would just go right in. In my opinion he should have been monitored more closely by the nursing staff but they just did not do that. This was a very high end, expensive, and very nice nursing facility. Like all, understaffed. I was only allowed to be inside because my mother was in the active dying stage and being treated in hospice. Who knows what went on during all those months and months when we were unable to visit.

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I also want to throw out there that no lock on a door is crazy. My ILs eventually had to be placed in a serious memory care facility (locked down, very compromised)... they STILL locked resident’s rooms when the residents slept and/or were not in their rooms (they had Dutch doors on every room as well, so no one felt isolated... it was a great help in preventing unwanted wandering/entering).

The locks could be opened by staff keys or a quarter, which sounds weird. But, it was a great relief to know we could check on my ILs easily and spontaneously, but it hampered the wanderers and sticky-fingered, while giving a small measure of privacy in a place where privacy is further down the list of priorities.

Regardless of what is happening, I would be concerned that there is no way built in to their facility to keep unwanted visitors out of her room. This is an easy and obvious fix.

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The Dutch door would be great and would solve so many problems, would be something for others to look for before placing a loved one.

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I am going to throw something out there, and want to clarify that what I am about to say is NOT what I think is happening. I have no way of knowing with the info given. I am also not suggesting that anyone ignore a complaint like this in a dementia care patient. In a real and disturbing situation, it is critical to keep going up the food chain to get corrective action in place.

On the flip side - and since it hasn’t been brought up yet - is the reality that dementia sometimes causes paranoia and confabulation. Many of us have had our elders share disturbing stories that felt very real to them, but were happening in their head. Throw in rumination and these situations can go on for some time.

I don’t know how compromised your mother is. I also don’t know how much of this you have been able to verify. It is incredibly difficult to verify this type of thing when people can’t get in to facilities spontaneously anymore to check on their parents.

Maybe the facility is negligent. You have much good advice on how to move forward if that is the case.

I tread lightly here, but wanted to throw out another possibility.

I know from our experience how many times my ILs were absolutely certain (and could describe in detail) people who were following them, looking in their windows, watching them go to the bathroom, etc. Each time their minds were playing tricks on them. Sometimes, these “imaginings” stemmed from something they saw on TV or an event that started small (like a caregiver walked into their room) and mushroomed into people watching them as they slept (no one was). They were in our home at the time and we were with them almost constantly and could easily verify what was reality and when the mind was being “tricksy”. Sometimes, we could discern what sparked the delusion. Sometimes, not.

Again, this may be a very real thing. Some of how you handle it depends on your past experience with the facility, etc. Sketchy stuff historically? I would be more inclined to think that the shenanigans are real. But, if the facility has been competent and responsive, I might work to get a little more information/verification from something outside of your mother’s reports. Sometimes facilities get stuck because kids don’t think their parents could possibly be making things up... (the “I know my mom would never...” mirrors the “I know my kid would never...”). But, dementia is like the light bulb with a not-quite-broken filament. The bulb can flicker off and on. Because it does, it can be challenging to discern what is really happening in their heads. With dementia, obviously it isn’t a lie. To them, it is very real. And the facility should absolutely be concerned that she is experiencing such fear and taking steps to mitigate it.

Just food for thought. You are already obviously an excellent advocate for your mom. If you have already ruled this out as a possibility, feel free to ignore:)

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Good analogy with the flickering light bulb!

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This scares me..My mom in memory care also complained and we complained..her tormentor even came in during the night..they tried the usual measures right up until he opened her door...she attempted to get him out and he PUNCHED her in the face!! Yes..punched her!! We demanded a lock and key on a new floor unit!! As a former geriatric clinical staff worker I know if you insist they will change her floor or provide a lock on her door...these guys can be violent.. or move her to another facility asap!

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My friend’s mother in memory care was the annoying culprit. In her mind, she locked eyes on another female resident and decided this woman was the one who was “Going after her husband.” (Husband died years earlier) Mom wouldn’t leave this woman alone and harassed her horribly every time she saw her. It eventually escalated in Mom trying to beat her up...as much as a 90 yr. old can do that. My friend had to remove her from that facility for the safety of others.

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There is a very inexpensive wedge type alarm door stop you can purchase that can be put on the floor of the inside of your moms door. If the door opens in from the outside the alarm will go off. This will alert your mom and the staff and scare off the wandering gentleman. It’s very effective! If that’s not allowed get your mom a personal one she can wear around her neck.
That said, I think the staff is being negligent in deterring this man. Let them know it must be addressed and stopped immediately or you will take legal action. Your mothers safety and well being is being violated. Keep us posted!

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How do I mitigate problem with wandering male resident entering Mom's apartment in memory care facility?

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