My mother was moved from assisted living side of facility into Memory Care 8 months ago. About 5 months ago, one of the male residents, who is an unassisted walker like my Mom, started entering my mom's apartment (really just one room and bathroom) infrequently. There are no locks on doors or security cameras either. Then a month ago it started becoming more frequent. Sometimes he follows her after a meal, but occasionally he is lying in her bed when she returns. Three weeks ago, it escalated with my Mom (mid stage dementia) accusing the man of pushing her (no physical indication and she didn't fall) when she told him to get out. A report was filed with the state, by law.
Last week I talked with both the MC director and executive director about how to discourage the behavior. I emphasized that he's invading her privacy, and I'm concerned for her mental and emotional well being. They only had 2 suggestions: put up a physical barrier in front of her door, a "stop" sign of sorts or a paper STOP sign on her door. I opted for the latter, but said he needs to be monitored too.
Since this conversation, he has entered her apartment twice (I've documented each incidence). Before lunch my Mom was in her bathroom in her apartment, and he opened the door while she was still in there! (This is the 8th incidence!) I feel like somewhere in this gentleman's brain he has an inkling of what he's doing.)
My mother informed a staff member who said they would tell the director on Monday. I will also be calling them again about a better solution and I'll also call our state's ombudsman. I'm furious!
My Mom has anxiety each time this happens. Any other suggestions?
The guy may very well be totally gone mentally except for, perhaps, interest in a woman. It is very, very common for dementia patients to become obsessed about spouses having affairs, believing someone is interested in them, and can go all the way to acting out sexually. They need to nip this in the bud before he takes it to a different level with your mom. Put them on notice that their responsibility it to protect your mother and a paper sign on the door just 'ain't gonna cut it'. Call the ombudsman's office if they can no give you a very clear, detailed plan on how they will prevent this from happening again. They should not have put your mom off until Monday either. It's a repeat problem and they should have called you and the director immediately.
Maybe they should put the paper sign on HIS door that says don't come out of this room. He should be limited to a large group area where someone is watching him at all times and not allowed to wander other halls. Maybe move his room next to nurse station so they know where he is all the time. At any rate, that is there problem to resolve
By they way, ask to see the records for your mom so you have proof they have recorded all 8 of the incidents. You want a copy of those reports.
Serious WTF from the higher ups there.
I asked the staff to remove him but they said he was too ornery and difficult, (and he was)
I said if they dont remove him, I will forcibly remove him myself (I am 6 foot three, 230, and a body builder). They sprung into action.
I suppose the issue is how much of a risk is it and the other issue is do the staff set their standards too low?
Care homes remind me a bit of boarding schools. There is a level of "borrowing" and "visiting" that could equally be termed "stealing" and "intrusion" depending on your perspective and like boarding schools the management may or may not admit there is an issue but they do succomb to external pressure in order to stay in business, so the onus is on you to push for change.
One thing to check out is whether your mum chats to this guy or not in public areas. Are they friends or does she find him a nuisance generally? He may think they are together because their interaction reminds him of his marriage. It is sad but protecting your mum is your priority, of course.
Good luck.
Clearly, this man's attention is unwanted and the staff in your mother's place are charged legally with protecting her.
I think that having a serious talk to the administrator/director about her safety and personal boundaries as it relates to their obligation and your need for having confidence that your mother is safe in your absence is necessary. The sooner the better. Keep records of all conversations on this matter: whom you spoke with, what they said and when. Sometimes just showing that you're paying careful attention and holding them accountable is enough.
If that course of action doesn't show progress, make sure you document it and take a step to warn administration/ director that you feel you are going to have to take the matter a step further and go to an ombudsman or other legal counsel.
If you do seek outside counsel, you'll have documentation and that will help a lot.
My heart goes out to you and your Mother. Please keep us updated as to how it's going.🌺🌻🌼💮
Some of the responses I read to both our questions suggest moving our mothers to another facility, though, clearly, the AL/MC failed in their duty to keep our mothers safe. What about the "community/move-in fee"? That's a lot of money down the drain! And, then to have to pay it all over again at the next facility. Does anyone know if it is reasonable to expect reimbursement of this fee when the facility has been neglectful?
Try tackling the issue from that end as well.
If there were segregated facilities at her MC, I would have opted for those. Just to alleviate one more fear.
Not that her list of fears wouldn't just substitute another one. Right now, here's the list:
Trees
Fire (Spontaneous combustion, electrical cords, non-working alarms (which, of course, they all work...and on and on.)
People peering in the windows (no one walks on that busy street)
People peering down her shirt (not possible. She only wears turtlenecks.)
Meat being secretly put in her self-imposed fish-only diet.
Not being called to meals (Doesn't happen. Never has. She has ALWAYS had enough to eat, before and after dementia)
Meds haven't helped yet.
This is a long post to say, yes. I would vote for segregation of sexes in MC in our situation.
Please make them take this seriously, My dreadful father defrauded his way into respite care, bragged to me that he had sex regularly with a woman with dementia who couldn’t remember it in the morning. Ha! Ha! Big Joke! Her family found out and removed her, from a nice facility where she was very happy, until my dreadful father moved in. Staff talked about ‘rights for sexuality to be respected’. My dreadful father did nothing that needed to be respected, and he knew exactly what he was doing. Just know that this can get a lot worse.
CM and ‘get thee to a nunnery’. There are some threats that are just as bad as a nunnery, eg my dreadful father. Interestingly, when he got himself into trouble just before a trip back to the UK, he booked himself into a monastery retreat, just up the road, to protect himself from the fall-out. A pity we couldn’t have done the ‘get thee’ and also a ‘stay there’.