My father is 85 years old, with heart failure, increasing frailty and noticeable cognitive decline (although hospital doctors recently declared him of sound mind despite him failing their 'mini' cognitive test!). He has lived alone in the same farmhouse for 50 years and refuses to downsize. He is unable to look after himself (repeated falls), the house or surrounding acres of land. The house is now in disrepair and fairly dilapidated and the grounds very overgrown. He won't pay for a gardener and the few cleaners he has had have left as he is rude to them or gets them to do outdoor labour (digging, chopping logs etc).
My father has always been incredibly selfish, a bully and a narcissist, and these traits have worsened now that he is old and frustrated. My older sister does not get on with him and refuses for the most part to help. On the occasions she has tried to help he is very rude to her so they fall out and she stops helping again. I don't stand up to him as much (I'm scared of him for some reason) and tend to bite my tongue, but his demanding nature, ungratefulness, bullying and gaslighting are having an effect on me (and my marriage) and as such I am doing less and less for him. I currently only visit once or twice a week.
I suffer with anxiety and chronic migraines and am trying to balance looking after my own health with dealing with his behaviour and needs, and this constant guilt that I am a bad daughter and should be doing more for him. I feel resentful too as he didn't bring me up, I grew up with my mother as they separated when I was a baby.
Incidentally he flatly refuses to sort out power of attorney despite repeated attempts, and keeps telling my sister and I that he's changing his will to try to manipulate us.
Any advice would be gratefully received.
I suffer with anxiety and chronic migraines and am trying to balance looking after my own health with dealing with his behaviour and needs, and this constant guilt that I am a bad daughter and should be doing more for him. I feel resentful too as he didn't bring me up, I grew up with my mother as they separated when I was a baby."
Cut the visits down to once a week, then once every other week. This man is toxic. Was heh totally out of your lives when he separated from your mother?
Realize that even if you jump and do his bidding in fear of his changing the will, he could end up doing that anyway. And what's in the will, anyway -- are there a lot of assets? Do you know?
I only saw my father once or twice a year through my childhood, but that was just to visit my sister. He refused to pay child maintenance until I was 16 and the family put pressure on him.
I don't give a monkeys about the will or an inheritance. It seems he judges others by his own standards, which is why he doesn't trust my sister or I enough to give us power of attorney.
I have recently cut down to one visit a week. I do his grocery shop and help him with bills/internet/ordering meds etc. I have even started lying about being ill or on holiday to get a break from him.
Danger alert!
At the moment you have taken on Responsibility but hold no Authority. This is a dangerous position to be in, as you have now discovered. Coz even a short holiday away may leave him vulnerable without supplies if he is truly dependant on you.
Take steps to get Dad to take back his own stuff - call the groceries shop or drugstore himself. Pay his own bills... Until he IS ready to assign an enduring POA & IF you are willing to be it.
Back off what you are doing for him.
You can call Adult Protective Services and they can follow up and see if he is properly caring for himself.
Elder Abuse, this is not just for someone that is physically, mentally or financially abusing someone it is also to report the possibility of SELF neglect, SELF harm. So if he is not caring for himself that would be reportable. (This would also include him not permitting someone to help him.)
I would not be concerned about any probable inheritance, any assets that he has should be spent on him for his care. And if the property is in as bad of condition that you describe (and it is probably worse than you describe) it would probably not be worth much, or a great deal of any cash assets he has would be used to bring it to salable condition unless it is sold "as is" probably for land value.
And one more comment.
You say you do not want him going into a "home"
In an Assisted Living facility he would have Clean, safe surroundings. He would have people near 24/7 that could help him when needed. He would have 3 meals a day prepared for him. He would have activities that he could participate in or not as he wishes. Can you or your sister provide all of that?
You need to prioritize your health and your family.
"I would not be concerned about any probable inheritance, any assets that he has should be spent on him for his care." I don't care about any inheritance, I only mentioned the will to reference his character in that he tries to use it to manipulate my sister and I. It doesn't work.
"You say you do not want him going into a "home"". I don't think I said that actually, the way I feel is if he needs to go into a home in the near future then it will be the best and safest place for him. It is he who wants to live out his days in his house but refuses the help needed to do that safely.
I think you're right that I need to continue to back off and do less for him. I always wrestle with a sense of obligation as he's my father and worry other relatives will think I neglected my 'duties'. I am reading a book about setting boundaries to try to be more assertive! :)
It could be so easy. ? Is he making it so hard. It's really fighting ur guilt and going through this without guilt... Since doc declared him sound of mind... U just have to let the unpleasant experience happens that makes easier.. for me..
Options more likely.
He has 3 daughters 1 daughter the estrained. Hates him my sister and I don't like her. I sent a 4 sentence letter to her that dad getting older and k and I spending more time with him..
My other sister and I divided days of week so he has family contact every day. My days my sister I get along with is chosen POA so she has , 4 days. The one I don't get along with has been invited to call either number for his status. Its her choice, if she calls she will b invited to cover 1 day... If she refuses to call for update it's her choice and guilt she will have to live with. Our goal is family contact every day, and that is happening and will continue.
I hoping to get him to use a fall alert necklace I purchased and he refuses to wear after a serious fall. He doesn't seem to understand it will help him live at home for the longest possible time.
Anyway u can read my post today that I'm thinking it's his personality not dimentia
My advice is not to take this on. It is difficult enough to act as POA for a well, cooperative and organized loving person. It is impossible---a crucible--to act for any other.
As far as wills and money, I would personally not care. This situation is self limiting. At some point he will be found, dead or alive and injured requiring hospitalization. I would tell the people calling, Social Workers et al, that I was abused by the man and do not wish to participate in his care.
As far as guilt goes, abusive parents raise children to feel guilty. Get help in counseling to work all that out. You are not a felon. You are not a perpetrator. You are the victim.
I wish you the best.
You don't care anything about a will...GOOD! Then stop doing anything for him -- let the state take over.
If you continue on your martyrdom journey, your physical and mental health will continue to suffer. Why do you want that to happen?
OP cut your visits to once a month if you have to visit. He is not worth your mental and physical health.
You barely know him, so just go on with your life and leave him to his.
I thought that's how he'd like to die but he is clearly now terrified and lonely and wanting constant attention.
Many old farmers want to die with their boots on. Doing what they have for years, working the farm.
Allow him the dignity to let him live his life his way.
To me, "safely" is way overrated and generally misunderstood. In reality, "safely" means declining, deteriorating and dying slowly, as opposed to abruptly or quickly.
He's old, in bad health, has terrible personality, and is losing his mind. What's the worst that could happen if he lived dangerously? He had an accident and died, either right away or soon (weeks or months) after. But is that the worst of all things? No.
To me, the worst would be for him to slowly and agonizingly decline, deteriorate, and die piece by piece, organ by organ, brain cell by brain cell, over the next several years or decade, while you lose your sanity, lose your marriage, trying to take care of him and his affairs.
Please do yourself and him a favor. Leave him be. Let him live his way till his last day. That would make him most happy.
Let yourself off the hook, perhaps for a month or three. Do nothing for him, just de-stress yourself. See if anything changes for him. After that experiment, think through again what you think is a reasonable relationship. Good luck!
Stupidity cannot not be dealt with, you need to leave him to his own devices.
I would let go of hope of any change for him, and hopes for hearing "Gee, what a great daughter you are". You are never going to hear that.
Your father can fare so well as he can fare, and he can become a ward of the state when he can no longer care for him.
I would suggest seeing a counselor now for yourself. The sacrifice of the rest of your life to this man will change nothing. He will never even notice it. But you still have a chance to make your own life and your own family moving forward. Your sister has made the right moves. Let her mentor you going forward. And again, seek help.
You didn't create this. He did. the guilt belongs to him.
For YOU, it is the "other" g-word, grief. Grief that you were one of the unlucky ones born to a man with such severe limitations, grief that you are not a fairy with a wand who can fix everything both for him and for yourself, grief that life can be cruel. Then move on to the H-word, which is hope. Hope to change things for yourself going forward. He long ago made his choices. He isn't interested in change.
Start living your life, don't give him any more of you, he has taken enough already.
The other reason to talk to them is to make sure the right story goes on record. Questions such as: who does the shopping, who orders medications, who provides clean laundry, who helps you get to appointments..? If his answer to these and similar is "oh my daughter will do that" then that's another 5 points per question off his score (it's a metaphorical score, mind, there isn't actually a real quantified score) if there's ever an Assessment of Need. Especially, by the way, if there is a pile of neatly ironed sheets and shirts right within the assessor's eyeline as she sits filling in her 20-page form.
Also crucial: if he is admitted to hospital (i.e. not just taken to A&E but actually admitted) then tell anyone you can grab that he has NO family or community support and you are not involved. When he is discharged he should be offered a "package of care," but if he tells them he doesn't need it because he can ask you...
You also need to hold your nerve and stay not involved. Difficult, I know.
The emergency services won't be fed up with him yet. Twice a month is nothing! Also, the fact that he has been taken in tends to suggest that he's not altogether making it up. Paramedics are pretty good at dissuading people from going in to hospital if they really don't need to, especially at the moment.
Any idea what kind of help would really help? Has he?