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My sister is paying an agency over $8,000 a month to care for my mother at home. I am putting in more hours then the agency combined, yet she doesn't feel that she should pay me because she said I should volunteer my time. Does that sound right to you?

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It's your decision whether you wish to be paid, not hers. But if she says no, I would stop doing it.

If she pays you privately, you become an employee and she will thus need to do withholding, do quarterly reporting, submit your W2 at the EOY, and have a written contract outlining your wage, and vacation/sick policy.

"... I could not offer quality of care that a facility could. My wife and daughter are both CNA that work at same facility.

" WE know what goes on there. Every facility is the same with a different name on the front of the building. I don't care if you pay $500 or $5000 a month. THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. Understaffed. Outdated medical equipment. A true horror story."

Nope. Last night I was at my MIL's LTC facility. The staff put on an amazing Valentine's Day dinner (steak and lobster, molten lava cake, harp music). This is not a high-cost facility: it is a faith-based facility. My MIL is on Medicaid and even has a private room. This facility is on a very beautiful (and expensive) suburban lake. They take her on outings and even fishing on their pontoon boat. I admit places like this aren't common but this is proof they do exist, and you are being unfair, unrealistic and overly dramatic about the qualify of facilities. You've seen only 1 apparently. My MIL was transferred to her current fantastic facility from a very decent one (and mostly because it was much closer to us).

"And they try to compare their quality of care to mine."

If we took my MIL into our home, we'd not have our own lives.

"Money is the root of all evil."

To clarify, the accurate scripture is, "The love of money is the root of all evil."

I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your family over this issue.
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PhilupDBowl Feb 20, 2024
You say your MIL is in an inexpensive "faith based facility" that serves steak and lobster for dinner with lava cake for dessert.That the staff takes her fishing on the lake with their pontoon boat. Are you sure she is not already in heaven ? You say that I am unrealistic, unfair in my opinion about these facilities. Apparently I have only seen one. Does your MIL have any form of dementia? When my Dad was diagnosed with dementia he was admitted to 5 different facilities. 2 of those were Veteran Homes. We would visit unannounced and find the residents lined up in wheel chairs facing the walls. Over medicated. His last facility you could smell the stench from the freeway off ramp before you arrived at the facility. We were helpful, along with other families in having the State shut them down. Facilities are a business. They do their homework. If you have to announce that you will be visiting they are prepared for you and bring out the fire works. They learn quickly which residents have family in their lives that visit and those who don't. When I offer my opinion it is based on several facilities I have had experience with and "what happens when families are not there." I apologize. Apparently you have found the Golden Facility. The one and only. OR you are like many others who convince themselves that everything is great so you can live with yourself. Steak and Lobster, Lava cake. Fishing on the Lake. Really?
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I don't think anyone is shelling out $8,000 a month here. Your mother's homecare bill might cost that much, but there's insurance covering something somewhere. In many states a family member cannot get paid from the senior's income to care for them because it's considered "gifting" by Medicaid if they need to get Medicaid at some point and the look-back period hasn't gone by.

Also, most insurance companies will not pay for homecare unless it is through a licensed, homecare agency. I know this because I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and now am in the business of it.

This is not to say that you should not be paid for your caregiving to your mother. If your sister refuses to pay you, stop doing it until she does. You don't have to be a caregiver for anyone be it paid or free if you refuse. Start refusing.

Tell your sister today that you're not staying if she's not paying.
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Is she also volunteering her time?

Have you considered telling your sister that you will not be your mother’s caregiver without compensation?

Have you asked your sister to look at assisted living facilities for your mother so that she no longer needs caregivers at home?
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Home care doesn't work. 24/7 home care REALLY doesn't work.

I would tell your sister that she should volunteer HER time and that you are done.

Your mother really needs to be in AL.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 21, 2024
On the contrary, olddude homecare can work and work very well.

I've shared positions where it was round-the-clock care for seniors living alone and it worked very well. It works of everyone does what they are responsible for, including the family members. Family are the ones who screw up a homecare situation that's running smoothly.

Their reasons are usually resentment over the cost. Or they think that because the bill is expensive that the caregiver staff are slaves who are supposed to make their "loved one" the only priority of their lives. Or they try to get more than what they're paying for. Or skip put on their responsibilities and leave it all up to the care staff coming into the home.

When everyone does their part and what they are responsible for, homecare can be a very good option for keeping a person in their home.
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I'm a firm believer in parents paying for the care they receive, if your mother has money to pay for care you should receive compensation for your time.
Since there is a disagreement within the family about this I think what would be fair is to determine the cost of facility care, less the cost of daytime care, also keeping in mind cost of living beyond actual care needs to be included in that calculation. Charge an amount equal to or less than that. I think you should also explore hiring caregivers to allow you some weekly respite as well as periodic vacations.
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You don’t have to take orders from sister! And you could walk off the job. You’re not mom’s or sister’s slave.

”But what would happen to them if I don’t keep caring for mom?”

That would be sister’s problem, and I’m sure she’d find someone else if necessary. I bet she’d offer to pay you if you turned in your resignation. Try it and report back soon.

I wish you luck in getting a better deal for yourself.
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Of course it’s not OK. Why are you doing it?
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Please read OP's response in this thread, "My sister and older brother conspired behind my back to place her in a home and then informed me of their plan. She was admitted on Tues. They held an estate sale on Thurs. and put her home up for sale on Fri." It sounds like mom is in a NH now.
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My brother contributes the money part my mother needs , because he has more. I donate my time because I have more. It pretty much works for us.

I'm wondering if maybe your more feel takin for granted and under appreciated more than anything. Because I've been there, that's for sure!
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PhilupDBowl Feb 20, 2024
You hit it on the head. Under appreciated. By my siblings. Missing family time with my wife
and not once having any of my siblings offer to step in and give me a break. Where is it written that all of this falls on the responsibility of the youngest child ?
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A different take on the money. If your sister is using your mother’s money to pay the agency, it is reducing your mother’s estate. If you and Sis are joint beneficiaries of your mother’s estate, you are effectively paying half the agency bill as well – if your mother dies soon enough to leave any assets. And if your mother's money runs out and Sis can't pay the agency, the whole thing falls over anyway.

Whatever the result of giving up this arrangement, you are a complete mug if you keep it going.
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