My sister is paying an agency over $8,000 a month to care for my mother at home. I am putting in more hours then the agency combined, yet she doesn't feel that she should pay me because she said I should volunteer my time. Does that sound right to you?
Have you considered telling your sister that you will not be your mother’s caregiver without compensation?
Have you asked your sister to look at assisted living facilities for your mother so that she no longer needs caregivers at home?
”But what would happen to them if I don’t keep caring for mom?”
That would be sister’s problem, and I’m sure she’d find someone else if necessary. I bet she’d offer to pay you if you turned in your resignation. Try it and report back soon.
I wish you luck in getting a better deal for yourself.
You have the option of telling your sister that nothing in life is free. You can also tell her that she can do it for free if she wants to fill in the gap after you leave.
I read your profile. Your mom has Alzheimer’s disease, hearing loss, incontinence, vision problems and UTI.
I respect how you feel about wanting to care for your mom at home in order to fulfill her wishes to die at home. I cared for my mother in my home for many years. She died in an ‘end of life’ hospice care home where she received excellent care.
There comes a point when I feel that we can’t do everything by ourselves. I am glad that you have caregivers during the day but you are spending a lot of time caring for your mother. How are you doing? How is your health?
Have you toured all of the facilities in your area? Sure, some facilities don’t live up to par, but others do a good job at caregiving.
I am sorry that you and your siblings are not able to agree on this issue. I think you have to focus on your mom’s needs. She’s 86. She isn’t going to improve. She will require more care as she declines.
Do you think that you can continue to do this work by yourself? You will not be letting your mom down if you place her in a suitable facility. She knows how much you love her and you can be a strong advocate for her after she is placed.
I hope that you will respect your sister’s final decisions as your mom’s PoA. Like it or not, she does have the final say in your mom’s care.
Wishing you and your family peace as you continue on this difficult journey.
If she pays you privately, you become an employee and she will thus need to do withholding, do quarterly reporting, submit your W2 at the EOY, and have a written contract outlining your wage, and vacation/sick policy.
"... I could not offer quality of care that a facility could. My wife and daughter are both CNA that work at same facility.
" WE know what goes on there. Every facility is the same with a different name on the front of the building. I don't care if you pay $500 or $5000 a month. THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. Understaffed. Outdated medical equipment. A true horror story."
Nope. Last night I was at my MIL's LTC facility. The staff put on an amazing Valentine's Day dinner (steak and lobster, molten lava cake, harp music). This is not a high-cost facility: it is a faith-based facility. My MIL is on Medicaid and even has a private room. This facility is on a very beautiful (and expensive) suburban lake. They take her on outings and even fishing on their pontoon boat. I admit places like this aren't common but this is proof they do exist, and you are being unfair, unrealistic and overly dramatic about the qualify of facilities. You've seen only 1 apparently. My MIL was transferred to her current fantastic facility from a very decent one (and mostly because it was much closer to us).
"And they try to compare their quality of care to mine."
If we took my MIL into our home, we'd not have our own lives.
"Money is the root of all evil."
To clarify, the accurate scripture is, "The love of money is the root of all evil."
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your family over this issue.
I agree with you about how we should view money. It isn’t the root of all evil.
It’s sad when money isn’t looked at in the right context.
Money is a necessary tool when it is used properly. When money isn’t used properly it can cause all sorts of problems within a family.
You are not a caregiver. You are a son.
But if you are taking off from work, in need of funds, and cannot afford to take this on, then do not do so.
What sounds "right" to us here in this matter is of ZERO importance, unless you imagine that telling Sis "The AgingCare Forum says this isn't right" will make some difference to her. It wouldn't to me. What would make a difference would be whether or not you are in need of funding for taking time from work/life/thing you need to be doing.
I can’t help but feel that he is going to burn out if he doesn’t take any time off.
I would tell your sister that she should volunteer HER time and that you are done.
Your mother really needs to be in AL.
I've shared positions where it was round-the-clock care for seniors living alone and it worked very well. It works of everyone does what they are responsible for, including the family members. Family are the ones who screw up a homecare situation that's running smoothly.
Their reasons are usually resentment over the cost. Or they think that because the bill is expensive that the caregiver staff are slaves who are supposed to make their "loved one" the only priority of their lives. Or they try to get more than what they're paying for. Or skip put on their responsibilities and leave it all up to the care staff coming into the home.
When everyone does their part and what they are responsible for, homecare can be a very good option for keeping a person in their home.
I'm wondering if maybe your more feel takin for granted and under appreciated more than anything. Because I've been there, that's for sure!
and not once having any of my siblings offer to step in and give me a break. Where is it written that all of this falls on the responsibility of the youngest child ?
Is your mother in a nursing home now, or other LTC facility? Lily posts below that your recent posts indicate she was placed in care.
My brother has major 911 related health issues, I worry about him alot. And run around all the time for mom, so to not stress him out more. Friday last week, I tripped carrying one end of a coffee table, was a very unsmart move. Lol but did a number on my back. Anyways Mom called yesterday. Never asked how I am, but asked me to pick her up 2 gallons of water ( she has sulfur water) my brother stayed the weekend with my mother. Don't you think one of my brothers would of thought that , I'll get the water so Nancy doesn't have too. Or maybe mom would tell them too. Nope!!! Didn't happen, mom never expects or ask the boys to do anything. She even wants me to was my brothers sheets and make his bed. I said flat out NO.
So mom resents me for not being the dutiful daughter she raised, I resent her for expecting to much, I resent my one brother, for sure. My other brother is a bit maybe on the autism scale, so as long as he is helping, im grateful, but I'm sure they both resent me a bit because I have a mind of my own, and in my family women are not suppose to. Anyways it is what it is. I just work though it and do my best.
Your siblings made it clear where they stood and you choose to be there to keep mom at home, so...sorry that you feel like they should behave differently, no doubt they think you should too.
Since there is a disagreement within the family about this I think what would be fair is to determine the cost of facility care, less the cost of daytime care, also keeping in mind cost of living beyond actual care needs to be included in that calculation. Charge an amount equal to or less than that. I think you should also explore hiring caregivers to allow you some weekly respite as well as periodic vacations.
Also, most insurance companies will not pay for homecare unless it is through a licensed, homecare agency. I know this because I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and now am in the business of it.
This is not to say that you should not be paid for your caregiving to your mother. If your sister refuses to pay you, stop doing it until she does. You don't have to be a caregiver for anyone be it paid or free if you refuse. Start refusing.
Tell your sister today that you're not staying if she's not paying.
Then your "X" has a very wealthy family and I sure hope you did well on your divorce settlement if there's this kind of money around.
No one is getting $2500 a week to be a caregiver unless the care recipient is very wealthy indeed and has a lot of liquid capital at their disposal. Even LTC insurance policies that allow for homecare do not pay $2500 a week for homecare. They will pay it to a care facility but not for homecare and certainly not to a family member.
I am in the homecare business and can tell you this does not happen unless it's an off-the-books private arrangement which is something entirely different.
I was going to look into this, because I don't work, and live offy husband. And sometimes feel bad that, I'm not contributing and my time from him is being taken away. So we discussed it and decided not to move forward, because if I did mom will think she owns me and expect ten times more.
Not sure if that is an option in your state
If sister is using her money that is her "contribution" to mom's care.
Or is your sister is using mom's money to pay for caregivers and your sister is not doing "hands on care".
You should have asked to get paid at the start.
You can ask now to be paid an equal pay as what the agency is getting.
If your sister, who I am assuming is POA for Finances, does not want to pay you then you can tell her that you can no longer care for mom and she will have to increase the hours the agency has in order to make up for what you will no longer do.
It is difficult to ask for pay after the fact but you can give your sister a date where your "Volunteer days" are over. The kicker is you have to stick to what you say and not "cave".
Whatever the result of giving up this arrangement, you are a complete mug if you keep it going.