Mom, 82, hemolytic anemia, stage 4 lymphoma (undergoing chemo now) and diabetic....... NOT in the best shape, but lives at home and has live in caregiver, of sorts.
Mom over draws her account every month and has for years, but has always had savings. I've tried to help her with this many many times. No interest. Since 2002 or so, she has been enamoured with her caregiver's SON. Now, in 2014, the 2 of them are joint POAs. For the past several years he has poisoned my mother against me.....not opinion, but fact.
My husband and I visited recently, (she adores him, and he let her know that we are happy to help her manage incoming and outgoing money...... but SON must have nothing to do with finances (as she has given him extraordinary amounts over the years, he takes as needed, etc). He has lost her money in failed businesses and has been unemployed for the majority of years I've known him. He's married, my age, BTW... As POA, he would have to agree to work with us, of course. Fat chance!
Next day Mom agreed and told SON same. He then proceeded to tell me that he had decided not to do it, despite me telling him that he was to act upon Mom's wishes, not the other way around.
Mom was unable to override her sweetie pie as she calls him. She cannot bear to go against him, tho I clearly explained in front of SON, his mother and Mom, that we will not help when he is allowing her money to be mishandled month after month. And where will HE find the extra money when needed? Medical deductibles? Tax payments?
Mom said that all she wants me to do is "love her". Can I really do that by sitting back and watching her CHOOSE him to take care of her?
Sorry for length. Not even sure what I'm asking for.......
Call the clerk of the Supreme Court in your area and ask about a court appointed "conservator" or "mentor". It's called different things state to state. Pretty much what they do is observe the fiduciary duties of the POA and how they are acting as agent for your mom, the principal.
Your choice if you want to advise your mom and sweetie pie what you are about to do.
I assure you the court will be glad to help and the financials (from the past as well) will be under scrutiny. In some cases, if it appears that fraud was committed then there could be subsequent criminal charges filed if the courts deem.
Good luck, be well
1. She's competent, in full control of her decision on making faculties, even more so after receiving chemo and help for anemia.
2. Legal action would destroy any relationship that we DO have remaining. I'm in CA and she's in TX. Every PLEASANT moment is precious.
But when there is need for money, like who will pay to cut down the tree branches that are now breaking off from cold/ice? Would have been me, but now we'll see.......
Keep me STRONG people, but not PROUD....
Fact that the SON poisoned your mother against you? Harder to demonstrate, I'd have thought: also not proof of financial impropriety. I should skip that bit. Get the rest over to APS and request an investigation. Meanwhile prepare a proposal for alternative arrangements for your mother's care. Best of luck.
Other than that, you truly need to wash your hands of this. It can only effect your health down the road and it's not worth it. Hugs
I'll try to be brief. I, too, experienced a non-relative taking advantage of my Mother (who is 80 years old). Point blank, the person had been stealing her money. I discovered (late last year) that over a course of 3 years, this person has stolen close to $38,000. This person was so sneaky, they actually signed onto my Mother's bank accounts as a Joint Account Holder. I was instructed, legally, to obtain a POA to oversee my Mother's affairs, which I did, & I closed all of her bank accounts. The matter is now in the hands of Law Enforcement. I would not have been able to live with myself if I didn't do what I could to protect her. The only challenge you may encounter is that the individual in your matter, actually is the POA for your Mom. If you can gather evidence to support what you think is happening, that will go a very long way & then proceed the matter legally.
I won't lie, the process of gathering evidence; along with the day-to-day care & concern for your Mother is grueling, frustrating & for me, I cried a lot of days/nights...but I have peace in knowing I did the right thing.
Sorry for the long post and I wish you the best in your efforts.
her closet. Caregiver didn't know where candy came from, other son didn't know.....process of elimination.....must be SON/POA.
To me, this was physical abuse as mom is severe diabetic, struggling thru other health issues.
Anyway, nothing could be "proved", but Mom is HAPPY and safer, really, than elsewhere.
APS has been showing up now for 5 mos and I believe they said there's no need to come back.
Thank you for ideas. I want Mom to stay at home as long as possible. But I think now it's up to her local family to do hands on care. My brother and me? Just love her and be on the other end of the phones.
So say I "at this moment!
Genuinely happy, is she, do you think? If she really is, and APS are smiling on the arrangements (bizarrely, but there you are) then as PS said, I suppose you do just have to accept that she's ploughed her own furrow. Horrible for you, I'm sorry.
Frankly, if mom is of sound mind and wants to give it all to sweetie pie or her son, then she has right to do so. If she changed POA from you or brother to sweetie pie recently, you could contest that possibly by alleging she was coerced, however, I suspect they are local and she has chosen to do so of her own free will even if it was a poor decision.
You will have to then let go and not rescue mom if she gets into financial trouble...she will just go on Medicaid. You can always explain to her about her finances, current state, and that if she continues giving it away, she will be on Medicaid and won't be able to remain at home or go to a "nice place" when the time comes. That may be a wake up call to her to at least start conserving her resources and stop letting these leeches bleed her.
I agree with everything and every aspect of what you all have said. APS, however, isn't concerned about the financial aspects - only the health and wellbeing of the "abused". And yes, small bottles of alcohol have been brought in as well - still not good for the diabetic. She's a sweetaholic, she can't control herself - so those that feed her addiction - ARE the abusers. Again, so many other horror stories I won't go into…..
I DO need to clarify something. When I say SON - I mean the Caregiver's SON, not my mom's! My brother has sort of washed his hands of the situation. It's my concern.
She'll NEVER go on Medicaid because she'll have her and Daddy's pension until she dies, plus her home. So even if A-Hole (is that clearer?!?) spends her monthly finances each month - it will keep coming in. For unpaid bills, debts, hey would have to sell the home (which I assume he doesn't want since it's willed to him AND HIS WIFE AND KIDS…(argh, and if he gets her into debt, upon her death it will still come out of his inheritance! So I would "think" he would want to do right.
She is now on her 4th round of chemo (yesterday), hopefully the last, but perhaps 2 more. I hope that she has more years to come that are peaceful and healthy. And the only way I can ensure that she's happy AT ALL, is to allow him to be in her life. He literally is the ONLY thing that lights up her face. It is very very sick. I just want to make sure that it's not at her expense - and I don't mean financial, in this instance.
Let's see what happens at the end of this month when the bills come in and her deductibles start showing up (which I tried to explain to them AND wanted to cover). He just wouldn't budge…….. It DOES make me cry…… She's my mom...
Sorry I guess I 'assumed' that your mom had cognitive decline. Well as Felix Unger said when one assumes... I feel for ya, I just don't understand family dynamics sometimes, especially when there isn't cog decline.
Best of luck hope you find a resolution to the debacle soon.
Be well
Call/write to the investment firm who held the IRA, and demand closure as the beneficiary.