Hi everyone,
My mom is 72. She has been having financial issues for many years. Lived with my family and I (husband and two boys) a while back in her 60s and it was very difficult. Then, she was able to move into an apartment for a while. Later, she lost her job (close to retirement anyway) and couldn’t afford anything on her own. We had bought a much larger home in the meantime. No MIL suite, however, There were very little options for us aside from her moving in with my husband and two kids again. (There was a 3-year wait list for low-income housing.) So, she’s here and pays us rent monthly (a good amount I must add, but way less than she’d pay in an apartment.) However, some things are off-putting and one of the things was she came into our home with the rule that she refused to cook. I’m a homeschooling mom and my husband works a corporate job. We are both extremely busy, while my mom, now retired (because of us providing a home for her), does nothing all day. We included her in our dinners and finally got her to cook or at least provide dinners one day a week, but this setup has always bothered me. I do believe there are some narcissistic tendencies there and this is part of it. Her reasoning is that she hates cooking and all these years of cooking and she’s done with it, that I have to cook for my family anyway, so …? I feel it’s selfish and terribly unfair. She said she’ll clean after dinner (as we all pitch in on that as well.) Does this sound like narcissism to you? Just seeking validation because any time I bring it up, she gets annoyed and can’t have a normal conversation. It’s like talking to a 2-year-old. I’m at the point of saying no more dinners with us. She’ll have to provide for herself.
She’s your mother, not your cook, or maid.
Of course not.
Mom's a renter, not a servant. She told you she doesn't want to cook, and that's that. She said she'd clean up, so let her. She's not one of your children, so stop treating her like one.
And no, that's not narcissistic behavior by any stretch of the imagination. Jeez, that word gets tossed around here a lot.
You clearly don't want your mother living with you. I totally understand that and it's totally fine. She shouldn't be living with you if it isn't working out.
You ask if your mother sounds narcissistic. Based on what you're saying, it would seem like you're the one with narcissistic tendencies. Your mother was honest and up front with you about not cooking. You moved her in anyway. She pays you rent and she also helps with the cleaning up. What more do you expect from a old woman?
Get her on one of those waiting lists for low-income housing. Get her on some for senior housing too. They base the rent on a person's income too. I think your wait will be less than three years if you put her name in enough of these places.
Your mother will be better off in a senior community as well.
Have you tried teamwork rather than assigning tasks or expecting her to take charge? - mom, would you help with peeling the potatoes so they are ready for later - mom, I've got something marinating in the fridge would you mind putting it in the oven at 4:00 - I've already sorted the laundry, it would be a big help if you could run a couple of loads for me this afternoon... that kind of thing.
I also never want to mess with my daughter's kitchen.
I'd never cook for my SILs as I'd be corrected at every turn.
Or my MIL, as I know (as your Mother may well) that each Castle has only One Queen.
Now short term 'guests' in your home may cook a meal to 'pay' for their stay. But Mother is a 'tennant' & pays her rent.
Her boundary is cooking. She said it from the start.
For the sake of your relationship, I'd honor her boundary.
I've found when people continue to try to knock down my boundaries on clearly stated issues, I put up greater walls. Over time, if they persist, the walls thicken & degrade the relationship.
Not all family can live together. I'd keep looking out for the next abode for Mom.
With your history with Mom, you should never have taken her in. And feel lucky that she pays you rent. There are those who can't get a penny out of a parent living with them.
So the cooking really isn't all of it. In my area there are HUD apts. They go by income and require 30% of monthly income. Heat is included and electric is only a certain amt a month. There are resources out there Mom could take advantage of. Get her name into these low income apts. Its usually the "good hearted" child the parent is sure will do for them and will take advantage of the child.
You set boundries for you and you stick by them. Moms boundary is she won't cook. But she will clean up. I make a mess in the kitchen. Would love for someone to clean up. Everyone can walk their dishes to the sink area. Push in their chairs and leave. Let Mom clean up and this includes sweeping the floor. Leftovers put away. Dishes put away after washing. Mom should be cleaning her room. Doing her laundry. If she has no car, using a Senior bus service to get to appts and shop.
Good for you for not leaving any inheritance like the ops literally worthless mom, and not expecting to be taken in.