Hi everyone,
My mom is 72. She has been having financial issues for many years. Lived with my family and I (husband and two boys) a while back in her 60s and it was very difficult. Then, she was able to move into an apartment for a while. Later, she lost her job (close to retirement anyway) and couldn’t afford anything on her own. We had bought a much larger home in the meantime. No MIL suite, however, There were very little options for us aside from her moving in with my husband and two kids again. (There was a 3-year wait list for low-income housing.) So, she’s here and pays us rent monthly (a good amount I must add, but way less than she’d pay in an apartment.) However, some things are off-putting and one of the things was she came into our home with the rule that she refused to cook. I’m a homeschooling mom and my husband works a corporate job. We are both extremely busy, while my mom, now retired (because of us providing a home for her), does nothing all day. We included her in our dinners and finally got her to cook or at least provide dinners one day a week, but this setup has always bothered me. I do believe there are some narcissistic tendencies there and this is part of it. Her reasoning is that she hates cooking and all these years of cooking and she’s done with it, that I have to cook for my family anyway, so …? I feel it’s selfish and terribly unfair. She said she’ll clean after dinner (as we all pitch in on that as well.) Does this sound like narcissism to you? Just seeking validation because any time I bring it up, she gets annoyed and can’t have a normal conversation. It’s like talking to a 2-year-old. I’m at the point of saying no more dinners with us. She’ll have to provide for herself.
You can choose to be equally uncompromising and tell her to find her own meals if she's unwilling to cook your family dinners. That would likely start up a whole feud and another batch of problems to sort out, though. So pick your battles, that's my suggestion.
She did tell you that she would not cook. You knew that back before she moved in.
SO...
my advice is
On weekends make several meals and portion them and freeze the meals for later. Pull out a meal or several meals and let them thaw so all you or mom has to do is heat them up.
This might take a bit of planning but keeping a weeks worth of meals in the freezer is not a bad idea. Casseroles, lasagna, soups, chili, stew can all be made and frozen. A "fresh" meal can provide leftovers for another 1 or 2 meals later that week.
If you really have had it you can give her a "move out date" and she can begin looking for Independent Living facilities, Senior housing (remind her she will have to cook for herself....and you will lose income)
By the way...how old are your boys? Old enough to cook dinner? (I was cooking dinners for my family when I was 11 years old)
Saying to your Mom "No more meals with us" is not the peaceful solution.
Take advantage of meals delivered, or picked up to go by you or your husband.
Take advantage of easy to prepare meals-don't have to be perfect. A potato salad, sandwich fixings, cottage cheese and hot dogs, or Tuna Sandwiches may suffice once a week or more. A buffet layout, or PIZZA could work.
Everyone, even the best and interested cooks do not want to cook at times.
When was the last time y'all stopped by McDonald's (omg), or Chick-Fil-A?
More than an issue with your Mom, it sounds like you need a break. I could be wrong.
BTW, your whole family does not have to eat the same thing together, every day of the week. Can you get creative?
Are the children able to learn preparing meals yet?
Try having some fun with being creative, and get yourself a break.
Hire a sitter to cook dinner, while you and your husband go out. Or take advantage of the one night Mom does cook, and you go out.
What a r e you waiting for?
I suppose you could try the no more family dinners as a brief test -- just to see if she snaps out of it or goes without food. If she goes without, definitely, take her to a doctor for an evaluation. If she needs someone to prepare food for her, it's either severe mental illness or SD/A.
Best of luck to you!
If this was not something that was agreed upon BEFORE she moved back in with you and your family, well then shame on you. Ground rules should have been set in place prior to her moving in, and if she didn't agree with any of the rules she would have had the option to find other housing and living elsewhere.
You say in your own words that she pays a "good amount" for rent, so you and your family are benefiting at least financially by her being there right? And even though you have allowed her to move in, that doesn't mean that she is responsible for cooking for your family. She's your mom, not your personal chef.
Would it be nice if she offered once in a while to cook supper? I'm sure it would be, but like she's told you, she doesn't like to cook anymore, so I think you need to adjust your expectations and just accept that she's not going to change.
I'm almost retirement age and also a widow. I never did enjoy cooking much put did it when I had to. I can tell you that now that I've gotten out of the habit of having to cook, that I probably wouldn't want to have to do it again either, as I feel like I've earned the right not to. Not because I am selfish or narcissistic, but as a mom and grandmother I have paid my dues.
Now I certainly understand that there are many moms and grandmothers out there that still enjoy cooking for their family, your mom and I just happen not be one of them.
And if you and your husband are too busy to cook for your family, you can always order out and have your meals delivered with the money your mom is paying you for rent. Just a thought.
I guess I will just ask you this......is this really the hill that you are willing to die on? And if it is, there is way more going on here than a mom who won't cook for you. Something to ponder for sure.
Why do you eat together? Why a fight over who cooks? Mom cooks for MOM and you cook for your family, would be my advice.
Mom should get her own meals and pay for her own shopping. She gets a shelf in fridge and one if freezer too if that exists.
I would not have taken Mom back into my home. A burden for my family. Things won't get better. But I sure wouldn't pick this battle to be the mountaintop we choose to die upon. There is so little in life we can control, but we CAN control our own dietary thing at a certain point. I cook now only when I choose to cook. You have a young family. So not that easy. But you can bring home a bucket from the Colonel or order in a pizza once a week.
You have home, family, job and now Mom. I would separate out your lives in the home, have your own meals and privacy, and that's it. There's too much on your plate for time to even ARGUE this one I am thinking.
Best to you.
Maybe the issue isnt mom not cooking but having mom live with you?
Have you tried teamwork rather than assigning tasks or expecting her to take charge? - mom, would you help with peeling the potatoes so they are ready for later - mom, I've got something marinating in the fridge would you mind putting it in the oven at 4:00 - I've already sorted the laundry, it would be a big help if you could run a couple of loads for me this afternoon... that kind of thing.
Of course not.
Mom's a renter, not a servant. She told you she doesn't want to cook, and that's that. She said she'd clean up, so let her. She's not one of your children, so stop treating her like one.
And no, that's not narcissistic behavior by any stretch of the imagination. Jeez, that word gets tossed around here a lot.
Narcissism? Nope, just from the tone of your post, sounds like your Mom could be afraid to touch anything in your house. Food for thought.
I also never want to mess with my daughter's kitchen.
I'd never cook for my SILs as I'd be corrected at every turn.
Or my MIL, as I know (as your Mother may well) that each Castle has only One Queen.
Now short term 'guests' in your home may cook a meal to 'pay' for their stay. But Mother is a 'tennant' & pays her rent.
Her boundary is cooking. She said it from the start.
For the sake of your relationship, I'd honor her boundary.
I've found when people continue to try to knock down my boundaries on clearly stated issues, I put up greater walls. Over time, if they persist, the walls thicken & degrade the relationship.
Not all family can live together. I'd keep looking out for the next abode for Mom.
That's actually the deal when we have long term guests, I cook, you clean.
You say she does nothing all day, does that mean she isn't taking care of her own laundry and cleaning? Does she help with the common areas that she uses?
Maybe it's time for a schedule of her responsibilities in the home.
Paying rent doesn't get you a servant in my home. Everyone contributes to the upkeep of the house and yard, if not, bye-bye now.
You have taken responsibility for your mom and you obviously resent having to open your home because she failed to plan or wasn't able to. Perhaps stepping back from owning her responsibilities and making her look at what options she has will help you feel less responsible for her, because you're not. She could live a loooong time and you don't want this to be your home environment, it's unhealthy for all of you.
My mother lives with us and also does not cook since she moved in 6 years ago. Very annoying, before she had dementia. She'd brag to her friends about not cooking and I wanted to smack her. I thought it was somewhat easier just to let it go but in hindsight I wish I'd put my foot down and "made" her provide dinner a couple of nights a week. But if your mom doesn't want to cook and told you that upfront, I think you need to find a way to deal with that and stop wasting your energy being angry about it.
I would keep including her in your meals. If not, I think it would be terribly awkward.
rooted issues that I don’t even know how to get over. I could go on and on but I didn’t want to turn this into a bash-fest. That’s not my intention. I was seeking opinions because there is no guide book to follow with all of this. Everyone I have spoken to said they could never live with their mothers. And, to those who say she’s not my child…well, it feels as if she is! It has felt that way for many years when she can’t manage her own finances when we have repeatedly tried to help her. I have no support because I know no one else in this situation. I come here, big mistake! There have only been a couple compassionate comments and I am truly grateful for those who can see through the difficulty and challenges this situation brings to people who are in it.
One of my aunts was like that. She wasn't interested, she had better things to do with her time, and left to her own devices she lived on... do you know, I can't remember *any* dishes she preferred. I do remember her making faces because there was Port Salut cheese in my mother's fridge and she thought it too smelly (it's barely more strong-smelling than its plastic packaging). Anyway: food, not interested.
The other aunt was pretty good at mass catering, buffets, family get-togethers and so on, but as a Coeliac couldn't enjoy a very varied diet.
My mother beat herself up about it, as she did about gardening for that matter, and felt that she wouldn't go to heaven unless she could force herself to enjoy cooking for her family.
But back to your MIL. Okay, she doesn't have to wield a saucepan if that's not her thing, but 2 x weekly it is her turn to feed the five of you. If that's take-out or microwave dinners or shop-bought sandwiches so be it, but it IS her turn. (Personally, if it were me, I'd allocate her those evenings when I'm likely to be out).
Don't get punitive about it. It'll only make you feel worse about the issue.
Anyway… as others have said, deep down you likely resent having Mom there for a second round. Or resent that she did not plan for the future and just assumed you would take care of her instead.
Mom refusing to cook dinner isn’t the problem. Your feelings about Mom and her living with you again are the problem.
It sounds like Mom has ‘retired’, in that she’s decided these are her golden years and it’s time for her to act like a retiree. An attitude of “I’m old so I deserve to be cared for.” If she is physically and mentally able to do everyday things and drive, there’s no reason for her to live each day as if she is too infirm to do so.
72 is not terribly old. She could live another 20 years. Can you handle that? Can your family handle that?
Lastly, you mentioned that you’re homeschooling. There’s a misconception that homeschooling parents have more time during the day or can set whatever schedule they want. Which is seldom the case! Does your mom see how much homeschooling takes up your time and efforts?
With your history with Mom, you should never have taken her in. And feel lucky that she pays you rent. There are those who can't get a penny out of a parent living with them.
So the cooking really isn't all of it. In my area there are HUD apts. They go by income and require 30% of monthly income. Heat is included and electric is only a certain amt a month. There are resources out there Mom could take advantage of. Get her name into these low income apts. Its usually the "good hearted" child the parent is sure will do for them and will take advantage of the child.
You set boundries for you and you stick by them. Moms boundary is she won't cook. But she will clean up. I make a mess in the kitchen. Would love for someone to clean up. Everyone can walk their dishes to the sink area. Push in their chairs and leave. Let Mom clean up and this includes sweeping the floor. Leftovers put away. Dishes put away after washing. Mom should be cleaning her room. Doing her laundry. If she has no car, using a Senior bus service to get to appts and shop.
What your parent has does sound like narcissism but only you know your parent best. Maybe it could also be depression. I have to deal with my Elderly parent's mood swings which goes from happy to angry and back all in one day. Other times he is mostly okay but when he is negative he stays that way and nothing I say will change that. Maybe if you are able to sit down and talk to her when she is in a good mood about what you need her to do for herself, that would help you out with your daily responsibilities.
Whichever it is, while you wait for her to come to the top of the list on senior housing, you need some rules and some boundaries. If she has offered to clean up after meals, there is no need for all the rest of you to ‘pitch in’ to help. Let that be one of the things she does. If she will pay for take-out at least once a week, let her do it and choose her own meal (for all of six of you), as well as clean it up. If you think the rent is not enough, do some sums and make it a fair amount. Include the cost of utilities as well as whatever work you do to look after the areas she (unfortunately) shares. If getting senior housing is going to require a bond, put up the rent enough to save in a separate account for her bond.
If you simply have to wait this out, make the rules and the boundaries enough to let you feel that you are at least getting a fair deal. If you need to, buy a freezer with enough space for you to cook in bulk. It really does help! In the meantime, you do have my sympathy for being your current lack of alternatives. Best wishes, Margaret
It is not your mother's responsibility to be your chef nor become the housekeeper and babysitter.
You are being extremely unreasonable and this mindset of your is abusive and entitled.
This is a woman in her 70s who has paid and paved her dues to society, the workforce, and has raised children for most of her life.
She is retired now, and her abilities and capabilities are different now.
She has earned the right to do what she wants. How selfish of you to demand and expect her to cook or do anything for that matter. She hates cooking, she probably always hated it but did it to feed her family.
I don't know what you mean by revoking or restrict her access to food with you and your family because she doesn't want to cater to you. That sounds highly like elder abuse. Restricting to break her will so that she'll cave in and become your servant.
Also no one ever does "nothing". You don't know what's going on with her mentally, emotionally, physically, etc ... That she may spend most of her time trying to work through and process. She's had to endure, adjust, and adapt to a lot of changes. Such as having to uproot her life, becoming older, retiring, adjusting to living with you all, becoming less capable and independent, a demanding daughter who she may be unsure that loves her, etc...you don't know what she's doing or going through.
Even if she loved cooking and offered to cook. It is not her responsibility to feed your family. That responsibility falls on you and your husband. No one else's. You aren't a little girl anymore, coming home from school and waking up to home cooked meals. Knowing that you'd get home cooked meals everyday or whenever she cooked.
Those days are completely over with. You can't recreate those days. You can be happy and grateful that you have those memories to cherish.
Feed your mom, drop the expectations and demands.
Figure out, and feed your family with your husband.
Get take in, order in, get easy to fix meals. Perhaps oven and microwavable, already prepared meals.
Leave your mom alone.
Perhaps you should go to therapy. You obviously have some resentment issues towards your mother and maybe others, and perhaps issues with the life you've chosen for yourself.