My mom refuses to cook. Thoughts?

I’m 80 years old and don’t like to cook anymore after years of cooking. I think it’s something we all feel as we age. However, I do manage to fix my own meals, and eat when I’m hungry. Up until three and a half, four years ago, my mother lived with me, paid me some rent, and she never had to cook, or clean, or do her laundry, unless she wanted to for something to do, and the most she would do, was the dusting in her room. Granted we had some moments, but I was so fortunate to have my mother live with me for sixteen years before she started showing signs of decline. Mom was placed in a home facility where she fell and fractured her femur. After surgery, recovery was at a rehab facility that also had long term care, and that is where she died at the age of 98, in March of 2020.
She’s your mother, not your cook, or maid.

You mother should not be expected to cook for your family. It's one thing for an older person to cook or put together meals for him or herself. It's a bigger project to cook for a family.

You moved your mother into ypur existing household. You did not hire a cook.

I do not like to cook, either.

Mom might need a version of a rental agreement. I would suggest that you and your husband make a list of all the obligations to living in your home for everybody - list all the financial costs, list all the upkeep tasks, list all the tasks to keeping a family healthy and happy. Then, consider what would be "fair share" for each person to pay (sons are included in the shares, but you and hubby pay that). Might want to consider how long each task takes to complete. Have a meeting with mom and husband to go over the lists. Discuss together what each person will contribute financially and in work with consequences for not contributing. After the meeting, hand each person their own list of tasks, financial contributions, and consequences. Have each person sign a copy to keep on file.

Maybe her mind is no longer sharp in cooking meals (can’t remember ingredients/steps, etc). To mask this, she may be using the excuse of not wanting to cook anymore. Be careful. If she’s cooking and not quite sharp, it may lead to a kitchen fire, injury, or something worse. Enlist her help in cooking meals for the whole family. Maybe she can do small tasks with you.

Simplify: providing a meal doesn't have to mean 'cooking' necessarily; perhaps 'her' night of feeding family is 'Pizza night!' Or 'Pancake night!' She does not sound like a Narcissist, where it's all about her; she simply is not a cook. She let you know that from the getgo. She could give you a break from cooking in a simple way; soup and sandwich, still nutritious but not highly elaborate meals. And if she's 'retired' from kitchen/meal prep, as she told you up front after all, her other contributions to family life could substitute; have the conversation to find that compromise. Food made out of resentment loses the nurturing factor, when family meals could/should be about togetherness.

Simple question for you:
What would your expectations be, if you were talking about your dad, rather than your mom?

So with your history with mom, you decided to let her move in, pay a good amount of rent then complain that she doesn't want to cook for your family. She would bit be living in her car. You could have gotten her on a list for HUD in the very beginning. It seems you don't like the fact that she doesn't want to cook for a brood of people, yet you sure are enjoying the rent she pays you every month. Find other things she doesn't mind doing.

You stated your mother pays you a decent rent, even though she has had financial difficulties; why would she then need to cook, clean, etc. for your family. If there is a narcissistic personality, it’s you. This is your MOTHER, who is 72 years old. She shouldn’t be paying you rent and you should be taking care of her, not the other way around.

It can be difficult, within the household when someone sits and doesn't chip in when they seem perfectly capable. My mother is 90 (not 72) and while she is physically still able to cook, she can't handle the judgement and decision making. She struggles to focus cognitively. This loss of ability creeps up and creeps into someone you think you know. At first you may wonder "why doesn't she do something as simple as contributing to cooking", but it is much more complicated than that. I agree with other posts to look for other areas where she might contribute and accept that only you can adjust and manage the situation. The basics of her situation and attitude is unlikely to change.

I want to thank those who provided kind and thoughtful responses. I realize this is not the place I want to be in for support. I also realize no one here knows truly my situation or the past that has painted a picture for my mom and I. I do know I have made decisions with the intent of helping someone in a hard situation, someone who I never quite had a great relationship to begin with, someone who I feel certainly displays some form of gaslighting and narcissistic tendencies, who I refuse to allow it to happen in my home. However, I try to better myself and heal myself at the same time so I can be there for her as I could never seen family on the street. Fears of what will happen if I don’t allow her to live with us, always worrying about her safety etc., haunt me as well. It feels like a double-edge sword. Anyway, I would love to close this post down as I realize it really is only me who can decide what’s best in my home, and that comments from a peanut gallery who offer nothing but criticism really don’t help me or my situation. If this post can’t be closed down, I’m just going to graciously exit and wish everyone the best! Again, thanks for those who actually offered support here, Those with harsh criticism really need to think hard about the words they say about a situation they know very little about to a person who is truly trying to do their best with the situation they have been handed. Peace ✌️

I have been looking for this Dear Abby letter for ages every time the question "should my parent pay their way now they are living with me" comes up. This was in her column August 13, 1996.

DEAR 80 AND HOLDING: Thank you for sending it to me. I agree, the rules are worth repeating. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my husband's mother came to live with my husband and me 23 years ago, she made our lives so miserable I vowed I would never bring such misery to my children if I ever had to live with them. One day, I wrote myself a letter containing some rules. I put it in an envelope marked, "To be opened on the day I go to live with one of my children" -- then I put it away.
I've been widowed and self-sufficient for eight years, but I was recently forced to give up my job and move in with my daughter. I'm submitting that letter. Perhaps your older readers might benefit from it, as I intend to. Here are the rules:
-- Give what you can toward your keep. Any budget will stretch just so far.
-- Keep yourself clean and neat. Fresh undies and daily baths are a must.
-- Remember, it is their home. Give them privacy at every opportunity.
-- Try to make your own friends and develop interests outside the home.
-- If you suspect they would like to go away on a vacation but are hesitant because of you, offer to visit another relative or friend so they will be free to go.
-- Don't offer any advice or express any opinion on family matters unless asked.
-- Volunteer information that they might be too embarrassed to ask for, such as arrangements for your burial, hospitalization, etc.
These rules were written more than 22 years ago. I read them often and am determined to keep them. -- 76 AND HOLDING

When my Mom lived with me she had a house so most of her SS when to keeping it up till it sold. She did have a small pension check that I used on her needs. Did I charge her room and board, no because we did not need the money. But there are children that do need the money. One more person in their home can put a financial burden on them especially if the child needs to quit a job or cut down on hours to care for a parent. Then I see no reason the parent shouldn't pay something towards the house hold.

Is that really a hill you want to die on? Meals? It will turn into a battle, and you will resent her even more than you do now. And probably have a crying jag, or a blow up over it. Wont solve the living situation. I completely understand the resentment, and intrusion into your life. You like your family's privacy. And didn't think she would be living with you. I totally get that! Your not a bad person for having these thoughts. It's normal. Read that again. Its normal. It's what we do about it that matters, and will make living life better, or a nightmare.

I think you need some personal outlets. You are more than a mom, and a care taker. Try to do something just for you. It's not frivolous, but a necessity. That will be an outlet, you can decompress, and face life with a calmness you didnt have before. It's not being selfish, but a necessity.

Are you able to get her to set the table, do dishes, or something else, maybe dust, fold laundry, set her up to mop a floor? Put groceries away? Does she have cognitive issues, even occasionally? People who have mild cognitive issues can get belligerent and hide it. Perhaps cooking a meal is to many steps? Or following a recipe. It is easier to be belligerent then say, I can't do it.

If you can find something she can do, that might be a decent trade off. Maybe involve the kids, and her. Make it fun. And teach kids it is not a boring chore, but we are all chipping in and helping the family. A very important lesson. And isnt it nice to have fresh clothes, a made bed, and a clean family room. How helpful they are. My mom kicked us kids out to clean. I had to learn how to do it on my own as a young adult. I would have loved knowing a good weekly system.

When I was in school, we had chores. I always felt good knowing we were setting tables, and doing dishes for the good of everyone. It was nice knowing that. It never seemed like this is awful. Why do I have to do this chore? Different mind set makes all the difference!

(In another thought) I found some ladies on YouTube that put crock pot meals together, then freeze them. It doesn't take long, and it is so nice to have back up meals when you dont want to cook. It might take a half hour or more, depending on how many meals you want to do ahead of time. You can get the kids, and mom to help. It teaches kids how to plan ahead. It is basically dumping items in freezer bags. There are stands you can buy to hold the bags open, so they dont spill contents out. The kids can dump and mix meals. Mom can open the meat or a can. You can supervise and read the recipe out. See how everyone is working together for the greater good of the family? Be sure to praise everyone for helping. They were such good helpers! Now you have meals for a month. One less thing to think about. Yea!

The meals are tasty, and I enjoyed knowing I had serveral back up meals in my freezer ready to go. It's nice to know I can just toss in the crock pot, and dinner is almost done. A big relief, when you dont want to cook, or have to figure out what to make, and what's in the cupboard. They have 5,10, 20 etc meal recipies. You just pick how many you want to do. That reminds me, I need to put more together :D They are so handy.

Id find something your mom can do, and let it go. At least she isn't complaining about your meals.

Your probably going to have to treat her as an extra kid. I'd pick something she can do, and leave it at that. It will also teach your kids, about caring for elderly, and to have patience. Those little minds are always watching.

Is your mom a narc? Maybe, but I'd rather let the resentment go, and have a better day, than dwell on it. That resentment will just eat away at you, and effect your health and mental state. You dont want your kids thinking your always in a bad mood and resentful. Take the kids and mom on a walk, or kids get their bikes and go around the neighborhood and enjoy the day. Or have a game night, or movie night. Let it go. Good luk

Peace,

You clearly don't want your mother living with you. I totally understand that and it's totally fine. She shouldn't be living with you if it isn't working out.
You ask if your mother sounds narcissistic. Based on what you're saying, it would seem like you're the one with narcissistic tendencies. Your mother was honest and up front with you about not cooking. You moved her in anyway. She pays you rent and she also helps with the cleaning up. What more do you expect from a old woman?
Get her on one of those waiting lists for low-income housing. Get her on some for senior housing too. They base the rent on a person's income too. I think your wait will be less than three years if you put her name in enough of these places.
Your mother will be better off in a senior community as well.

Can she microwave her own meals? Most grocery stores have prepared meals of a protein + veggies.. SOOO many issues w/my NPD-Borderline-Dementia Mom (who I will never live with) but see weekly... Is your Mom's temperament good? Does she have any Dementia or Mental Illness? Your fam can fend for themselves.. Right?

Will you be waiting around when the will is read?

Your mom would probably qualify for Meals on Wheels, even though she lives with you. You should look into it.

I'm not getting the issue about cooking. Continue with how you worked dinner before she moved in. She said she doesn't want to cook. So that's one item you'll have to take on, you'd be doing it anyway or order out and she can contribute to the cost. She can pitch in for the added cost of including "her portion of the food" you'll be serving (she's already paying you to live there). OTOH, if you don't want her living with you, then you've got to confront that. She's not ancient, she's older, put her on the wait live for low-income housing, she'll be 75 by then.

I also hate to cook, so I never cook. Why should I waste time and energy cooking when there are plenty of healthy and nutritious things that I can purchase from the store?

Stock her up with plenty of pre-made salads, cooked chicken, and pre-cut fruits and vegetables. Find healthier versions of frozen foods.

If she is 72, why should she have to cook?

This is not narcissism. You said one of the rules when she moved in was that she would not have to cook. You let her move in under that rule and now you want to change it. This is like buyer's remorse on your part.

I am 75 and if I had to live with you, I would be VERY unhappy. You don't sound like you LOVE your mom. Get her on the 3 year wait list and in the meantime, GRIT YOUR TEETH and be grateful she is still alive. It sounds as if you had a VERY unhappy time with your mom growing up, because if you had had a good relationship, you would EASILY accept the fact that ALL you have to do when you fix food for your husband and children is to SET ANOTHER PLATE at the table. Period. This is not a dramatic crisis type of problem. She is willing to CLEAN UP afterward? To me, that is PRICELESS! I hate cleaning up. It sounds more like you want your family to yourself, MINUS your mom, period. So, every day remind yourself that in 3 years she'll be out and you CAN put up with it for three years.

I’m a retired mental health professional and concerned about the number of times I see difficult behavior classified as “narcissistic.” Often this is used to as a noun to label people who have annoying behaviors which are not new. (“He/She has always acted this way.”)
Labels do not help understand or deal with problems. It’s a lazy and ineffective way to describe relationships.
Mental health diagnoses can be weaponized - never a healthy way to seek solutions to very real and difficult problems.

What is really going on? You’re asking her to do a task she hates.

Ask her to set the table. Ask her to help load or unload the dishwasher. Or is she refusing to help with anything?

Assisted Living sounds preferable to living in a home with someone who wants revenge on a dementia patient. Geesh, if we don't die young, we are in jeopardy of having to live with people who resent us for the time and money we need to endure the last chapter of our life. This forum has taught me to take care of ME and not worry about leaving any sort of inheritance..............I will place myself before ever becoming dependent on anyone else, especially family.

Take a good long look at YOUR kids and remember this, "What goes around, comes around."

I am grateful my mom doesn't cook, access to the stove is dangerous even with a minor amount of memory loss that comes with old age. My mom was cold once and turned on the burners to warm up the kitchen.

Talk with your mon about other options - for example she may be willing to purchase meals and have them delivered, provide option for easy to cook meals, etc. You state she is providing one meal a week now so what more are you looking for? Take up her offer to do dishes, maybe set table as well. If she is able to pay good rent, does she qualify for low income housing? If so, go ahead and apply - you never know what might happen or when. As for being a narcissist, it doesn't sound like she is. but what difference does it make? Nothing will change and it's certainly not going to change anything even if accurate.

This question isn't really about cooking. It's about taking her Mom into her home that she doesn't want. The OP just wants validation from the "peanut gallery" that she's the big hearted daughter. The OP needs to get her Mom signed up for housing assistance and moved out. Or maybe she hasn't done that because of the good rent that her Mom pays.

I am not a medical professional, but I have had over 40 years of living with a narcissist and I can clearly state that from your description of your mother she is not a narcissist. Perhaps she is suffering from depression because of her losing her job and not being able to afford to pay for an apartment. At 72, she is still young and has the ability (from what you described) to help prepare meals, and she should pitch in and help out in this area. However, I surmised because she has spent many, many years preparing meals she is burnt out doing this, which is quite understandable.

The answer to your question is to move your mother into her own apartment so there won’t be any conflict between the two of you. I live in New Jersey and I know 100% that there are many, many opportunities for low-, very low- and middle-income apartments available as I write this post. There are also many senior apartments that are being built as of the writing of this post. The secret of getting to rent one of them is to apply ASAP and get your name on the list. There is a link on the state website where people can find these apartments. You can add your name to the list to be notified when any apartment becomes available and you need to act quickly when they notify you of availability.

Wishing you good luck in finding an apartment for your mother ASAP, which will be the solution for this problem with your mother.

Maybe your mom is just not capable of cooking. And maybe its truly not safe. You wouldn’t want her to burn your house down.

Maybe you can find her another task for her that will lessen your load. Or use some of the money and hire help of some kind around the house.

Perhaps you could start using some of the money she pays you and get meals delivered or just go out.

Its very hard to have someone live with your family even under the best circumstances, it’s just different.

Good luck to you.

You might not like my answer, but this doesn’t sound so awful to me. If she’s willing to clean up every night and provide dinner once a week it’s a deal I would probably take. I should mention that at our house, adults are responsible for their own breakfast and lunch (hubby and I are retired).

Of course, I don’t really want my mom to move in with us for other reasons. Maybe you are focusing on the meal situation when it’s actually her living with you in general that you’re not comfortable with?