My very-elderly mum passed away several months ago, not unexpectedly. She had arranged, years ago, for cremation. I now have her ashes. It felt odd to tell the cremation people that I didn't want them, but I don't. My mum was always "difficult" - narcissistic, demanding, critical, and often not a pleasant person to be around. At brunch with my aunt yesterday she told me of a situation that happened years ago where my mum was rude and uncaring to a family member needing temporary help. This only reinforced my feelings about mum being a not-very-nice person. Even with all that, I'm not sure I can just put the ashes in the rubbish bin. I'm sure I will never reach a point where I will ever want them, even part of them, and mum never had a "special place" where I would consider scattering them. And no other family would desire to have them, either. Any ideas of what to do would be appreciated.
I'm so sorry, I know how hard this must be. I can imagine still wanting to be respectful but finding a good option is hard.
I know some cemeteries have an area where you can scatter them. I would check with the funeral or local cemetery or church and see what options are available.
I hope others can provide more suggestions.
Like she bought you an ice cream? At the beach? In a forest?
Failing that, somewhere YOU LIKE. Flower beds etc.
Good luck.
Take them to a river and mentally release your mother to the world. Oh. I see from Dr Google that there can be laws about things like that, so I recommend you look up "what do you do with Cremains?" and check regulations in your area.
My sister once told me an extremely rude joke about a widow's conversation with her late husband's ashes but I'm still pretending I didn't understand it.
Pondering... whatever you decide to do in practical terms, might it be helpful to you emotionally to regard the final scattering as a ritual of acceptance? "Blessed are you, O Lord our God, King of the Universe, the judge of truth." Your mother may not have been all one might wish for in a mother, or indeed in a human being, but she was herself and that was her right. You don't have to like her, you're still perfectly entitled to feel hurt and sadness and regret over certain memories; but this is simply about wrapping up her life. That you want to do it respectfully, if perhaps not affectionately, is much to your credit as a daughter and as a feeling person.
Scattering Ashes Guide 2018: Ideas, Permits, The Ceremony, & More---hcremationinstitute.com/scattering-ashes/
What Are Some Prayers to Use When Scattering Ashes?--
www.reference.com/holidays-celebrations/prayers-use-scattering-ashes-add4304d19ea94cf
Prayers for scattering ashes often feature the scripture verse "... neither death nor life ... nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God ..." from the Bible. Prayers for ash scattering commonly include readings such as scripture, poems, or personalized words.
A popular reading from the Book of Common Prayer is "We therefore commit his body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in sure and certain hope of the Resurrection."
Some prayers used in ash scattering ceremonies reflect the setting of the burial. One poem for sea scatterings is "Alone I will not be, my comfort will come from the sea..." by Next Gen Memories.
An English Prayer Book INTERMENT (©Church Society 1994)
The Interment or Scattering of Ashes
churchsociety.org/docs/english_prayer_book/20_EPB_interment.pdf
www.everplans.com/articles/what-you-need-to-know-about-scattering-ashes
I hope that you can find something that helps you resolve or find closure regarding your Mom and allows you to move forward while still respecting your Mom as a person and human being no matter what her faults or failings were. God Bless!
I want cremation, and whoever takes possession of the ashes can do what they want with them. Part of my ashes I want scattered in the Gulf of Mexico.
There are laws that prevent scattered ashes just anywhere. There are water tables, sanitary rules, etc in urban or suburban areas. (Health laws).
But in rural areas you could bury the remains secretly. It’s not ideal but would probably work out. Choose a spot that’s away from wet lands, kind of high up.
There are some cremation urns for sale on Amazon.
I plan to do that for myself. Since I am an only child, I now think I wish to be cremated and placed with my parent's graves. There are cemeteries that will allow an urn to be placed.
So, what I would do is take the little box, put a sticky note on the top that says... *cremains needing a resting place*. Then take it and anonymously leave it on a Pew in a large Church. Whatever they do with it...they do with it. But it's like giving her back to God. Best of luck to you.
You wouldn't really do that, would you, Pepsee? Seriously?
Don't do that. It may be the church's duty to attend to its flock but it's a bit much if relatives just dump remains in the hope of a freebie funeral.
These are also not good times to be leaving unattended packages in a public place. You wouldn't want mother going sky-high in a controlled explosion by the security forces, would you now?
In all seriousness and dark humour aside the main thing is if you or anyone in your family would want to visit the ashes/her burial site? If not, don't worry about it too much. Either in the ocean, or turn them into the soil of your garden so she can help grow something beautiful for you to enjoy.
There are a couple laws [at least in Canada] about disposing of human remains, ash or otherwise, so might be good to read up on those for your area...and choose a private spot for the sprinkling.
Don't tell anyone?
Then you can put them where ever you like.
Bit naughty? So what! Seems she was a bit nasty.
Sorry if this offends anyone, it is just what I think (no holes barred) I just hate bullies.
Neptune Society offers a unique and more permanent alternative to scattering ashes at sea– the Neptune Memorial Reef. The reef lies 3.25 miles off the coast of Key Biscayne, Florida, and when completed it will cover 16 acres of ocean floor. To be memorialized here, the individual’s cremains are mixed with concrete, shaped into forms such as sea stars or shells, marked with identifying information, and placed on the ocean floor. These forms create shelter for marine life, giving ocean lovers a chance to continue to “give life after life.”
It's a nice thought while keeping a reef alive.
Good luck with your decision.
I wouldn't keep the cremains. They are not giving you any comfort. If your mom was indigent, many cemeteries have reduced burial rates. The indigent section of the cemetery where my great grandparents are buried is beautiful.
Then you will jettison those negative vibes that linger now - when you hear of that place again or drive by that bridge you can think of her but only then so pick the place accordingly - you've done your best but now is the time to move on with your life with head high & a smile of accomplishment that can never be dimmed
Not only are they reasonable, but the variety of bushes and trees exceeds any other site we found.
I actually have a plot and a standing tombstone - but I prefer to return my sweet DH to the garden that he so loved while he was still among us.
Just a thought. And again, I am sorry for your loss.
SO sad that after a lifetime, that's the legacy you leave. His kids held on to their "portion" of their ashes before they finally disposed of them. I only know that his son also threw them in the trash.
I do not think you need to hang on to ANY documentation regarding where the ashes are scattered. Most people I know who have had loved ones cremated keep the urns in their homes. We've opted for niches in the cemetery in the mountains we both love. A dear friend is making our "boxes".
Back in the 1980's I was in charge of issuing scattering permits for the National Forest in California where I worked. Mainly it was so they would sort of be scattered evenly and not all piled in one location. Like this person on Thomas Mountain, second person on Black Mountain, third person Alvin Meadow. etc.
I don't recommend Neptune Society because the last time I checked they were pretty expensive.