My very-elderly mum passed away several months ago, not unexpectedly. She had arranged, years ago, for cremation. I now have her ashes. It felt odd to tell the cremation people that I didn't want them, but I don't. My mum was always "difficult" - narcissistic, demanding, critical, and often not a pleasant person to be around. At brunch with my aunt yesterday she told me of a situation that happened years ago where my mum was rude and uncaring to a family member needing temporary help. This only reinforced my feelings about mum being a not-very-nice person. Even with all that, I'm not sure I can just put the ashes in the rubbish bin. I'm sure I will never reach a point where I will ever want them, even part of them, and mum never had a "special place" where I would consider scattering them. And no other family would desire to have them, either. Any ideas of what to do would be appreciated.
My girlfriend has her Mother-in-Law, Father-in-Law, and husband in one closet. Her mother is at her brother's house in a closet. Her father is in another closet at her house with the ashes of a lady she took care of. She said her mother would turn over in her urn if she knew her husband was in the closet with that other gal.
Sometimes you have to laugh or cry.
It's sad that sometimes we're judged by what we do for our loved ones after death, when it's more important to be concerned how we treat them while they're living.
(Dont know if they will be able? But hey lol)
Wrap me up and burn me (No service, just a straight cremation) (if they insist on a coffin, then make it a cardboard one)
Pay for my ashes (I will leave enough for that)
Find a wood or forest and scatter me randomly. I will go back to nature.
They will be able to visit the woods to remember me (if they want to) without the need to feel that they MUST.
A wood is beautiful, so should help with happy thoughts. I dont want sadness.
Ask other family members if they know any favorite place she ever talked about.
Before you do decide to dispose of her ashes, just think about having a small portion of her ashes placed in a pendant made especially for a keepsake. Many mortuaries offer them; you can keep a small part of her so when if ever you're able to forgive, you'll have that small part you can wear near your heart.
Eternal Reefs in Florida start at $2,495 but can cost up to $6,995. This includes everything to construct your reef artifact, position it and GPS locate it, a bronze plaque sited on your memorial reef and certificates for families members to keep.
An alternative site on the Pacific coast near the San Diego Bay offers memorial reef interment starting at $2,400. There are also a couple of sites in Mexico where memorial reefs can be sited and these cost around $3,000.
Back in the 1980's I was in charge of issuing scattering permits for the National Forest in California where I worked. Mainly it was so they would sort of be scattered evenly and not all piled in one location. Like this person on Thomas Mountain, second person on Black Mountain, third person Alvin Meadow. etc.
I don't recommend Neptune Society because the last time I checked they were pretty expensive.
SO sad that after a lifetime, that's the legacy you leave. His kids held on to their "portion" of their ashes before they finally disposed of them. I only know that his son also threw them in the trash.
I do not think you need to hang on to ANY documentation regarding where the ashes are scattered. Most people I know who have had loved ones cremated keep the urns in their homes. We've opted for niches in the cemetery in the mountains we both love. A dear friend is making our "boxes".
Not only are they reasonable, but the variety of bushes and trees exceeds any other site we found.
I actually have a plot and a standing tombstone - but I prefer to return my sweet DH to the garden that he so loved while he was still among us.
Just a thought. And again, I am sorry for your loss.
Then you will jettison those negative vibes that linger now - when you hear of that place again or drive by that bridge you can think of her but only then so pick the place accordingly - you've done your best but now is the time to move on with your life with head high & a smile of accomplishment that can never be dimmed
I wouldn't keep the cremains. They are not giving you any comfort. If your mom was indigent, many cemeteries have reduced burial rates. The indigent section of the cemetery where my great grandparents are buried is beautiful.
Neptune Society offers a unique and more permanent alternative to scattering ashes at sea– the Neptune Memorial Reef. The reef lies 3.25 miles off the coast of Key Biscayne, Florida, and when completed it will cover 16 acres of ocean floor. To be memorialized here, the individual’s cremains are mixed with concrete, shaped into forms such as sea stars or shells, marked with identifying information, and placed on the ocean floor. These forms create shelter for marine life, giving ocean lovers a chance to continue to “give life after life.”
It's a nice thought while keeping a reef alive.
Good luck with your decision.